Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
Profile continued . . .


Sunday, April 20, 2008

this entry brought to you by radiohead, "life in a glass house"

Winona Ryder, pictured. Still an attractive woman, despite the lack of anyone remembering who she is.

HOLLYWOOD-- Winona Ryder, seminal actress in such 80s and 90s movies such as Beetlejuice, Heathers, Edward Scissorhands, and Reality Bites made a statement today, saying that, "after much soul searching, I've decided I'd like to reprise to my role as Beloved Celebrity; to play, once again, the role that made me famous-- that of an entity the general public actively care about."

After her critically acclaimed role in the hit drama Girl, Interrupted, Ryder says that she decided to play the role of Washed-Up Has Been, appearing sporadically in awful movies such as 2000's Lost Souls and S1m0ne, a tossed-off support in an Adam Sandler movie, Mr. Deeds, and of course, the ultimate in has-been roles, that of a shop-lifting drug abuser in a real-life altercation in 2001. "That role was a lot of fun at the time," says Ryder in retrospect, "but the audience didn't take as well to it as I'd hoped. I'm not going to make excuses for that decision, but I will say that perhaps it wasn't the best choice I could've made at that time. But that's what Hollywood is. You have ups and downs. You live and you learn. Not every role can end up being a classic."

Ryder, who has had an Attention Saturation Rating of exactly 2% since 2003-- despite an appearance in the critically acclaimed A Scanner Darkly-- said she was given a wake up call that it was time to become relevant again, when her waiter at a recent Red Lobster struggled to recognize her. "He kind of paused and scratched his head, and said that he had a recollection of masturbating to me several times when he was in junior high, but couldn't put a name to a face, and wondered if I was that lesbian that lived next door to the apartment his family lived in when he was 12." After this encounter, Ryder got into her '98 station wagon and drove through Hollywood, remembering how enjoyable it was to play the role of somebody young men might want to have sex with. "I drove around Hollywood and I kept remembering all these places that I used to be seen in, and all the things a person with relevance was expected to be. It was like, oh yeah-- I used to date rock stars. I used to be allowed in fancy restaurants. My number used to be on Johnny Depp's cell phone. And I decided, it was time to put away other projects I'd been thinking about taking part in, such as D-List Celebrity with Sex Tape, and Incoherent Celebrity Running Naked Through the City and Eventually Breaking into Somebody's House and Curling into a Ball Speaking a Made-Up Language. I called up my agent, and told him I'd changed my mind. My next role was going to be Celebrity With Sex Appeal That Has Dignity And People Adore. It had been offered to me, but I had so much on my table I never even thought about getting to it."

Although ready to make the move to play Relevant Actor again, it remains to be seen if audiences will accept her in her new role after being typecast for so many years as Washed Up Has Been, or will even remember that she'd ever played Relevant Actor in the first place. This could mean an all-new audience for Ryder, or, if this venture fails, could mean that we can expect a direct-to-DVD sextape in the near months to come.

on april 18th, last year turns out i had a headline entry then, too. god admits to postponing the apocalypse. that's all you really need to know.

on this day last year i don't know why everybody hates cops, but everybody loves troops in the military, as if there's any fucking difference.

with love from CRS @ 8:57 AM 


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