Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
Profile continued . . .


Wednesday, January 01, 2014

this entry brought to you by queens of the stone age, "if i had a tail"

last year's new year's resolutions are here, and they are waaaaaay funnier than this year's.

Next time I leave a single stall public bathroom and someone's waiting, stare at them cold in the eye. This will establish dominance in any possible future interactions!

Rid the world of the use of "LOL" in instances where one would not actually be laughing out loud.

Write a gluten joke so I can seem timely and hilarious.

Upgrade self hatred from "crippling" to "severe".

Find a person with the guts and the resolve to lower me into a pit of molten lead. I cannot self terminate.

Have way more morning sex with the wife.

Have way more morning sex without the wife.

Remember not to write down plans to cheat on wife.

Have a son so I can finally have some decent competition instead of constantly destroying all these dumb, weak girls in the house at everything we do together.

Fire Jetson. I know his entire job is just pressing one button over and over, I just feel like he could do it better, you know?

Use the words "please" and "thank you" more often.

Demand that those around me do more things that deserve "please" and "thank you" from me.

Become net weight neutral. Every time I gain weight, I displace an equal amount from a random victim by removing various organs or appendages.

Watch some amount of TV so I can make a resolution next year to watch less TV.

Be more funny, dammit.

Finally work up the courage to ask that cute record store girl I've had on my eyes on for her number... of months she thinks that record store could possibly stay open. It's 2013, for Christ's sakes.

Try to remember to be in more than just my underwear next time Eddie Vedder invites me on stage to jam with Pearl Jam.

Try to remember to be in just my underwear next time Scarlett Johansson invites me on stage to have sex with her, as opposed to infinite layers of clothes I can't possibly remove no matter how hard I try.

Make a machine that kills fascists, but also has a convenient household use. Like a toaster. Can toasters kill fascists?

Spend more time with the kids. I've noticed lately they don't hate enough things.

with love from CRS @ 1:18 PM 


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