Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
Profile continued . . .


Tuesday, January 01, 2013

this entry brought to you by toadies, "possum kingdom"

i didn't do new year's resolutions last year, but i did do them in 2011. click here to check them out. i actually think they're funnier than this year's

Start the New Year right by finding the most expensive hotel in the city, and taking the first shit of the year in the bathroom in its lobby. By the way, it's past 3 o'clock, and that first shit of the year is really ready to go.

Find out the difference between butter and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, then realize I stole this joke from The Simpsons.

January the 3rd is 1/3/13-- or 13-13, the unluckiest day of the year. Hmm. That's just two days from now. Not nearly long enough to create an idiotic doomsday prophecy that the news won't stop covering for several years beforehand. Well, there's always next century.

Go back to school for Afternoon Culinary Arts, that way if any asshole tells me they majored in "lunch", I can be really offended.

Invest in Kevlar hoodies for my kids. Or fuck it. Kevlar book covers, binders, sunglasses... Whatever you got.

Spending hours upon hours making a the perfect mix CD for all my friends, that no one has the technology to actually listen to.

Start a rap career, and be the most On The DL rapper of all time. "On the DL" means most downloaded, right?

Finally getting around to giving It the hose again. If I keep slacking off, It'll realize I have no plans on actually killing It, I just like glistening fat chicks in a hole in my basement.

Figure out what direction OneDirection is going in. Well, wait. One of them is going to be gay, two of them will be washed up reality tv stars, and one of them will end up being actually talented and will have a successful solo career that culminates in an acting career. Well, that takes care of that.

Switch to Geico. Blow all the money I save on Asian Lady-Boy Hookers

Start a retirement fund for Asian Lady-Boy Hookers

Start a Kickstarter for the Human Genitals Project, where I will catalog naked photos of every single adult human being alive by name, age, date, ethnicity, skin tone, size of nipples or penis, etc. Your reward for investing in my Kickstarter will be being able to see every adult human being alive. Oh, and I might throw in a t-shirt if you give more than 20 dollars.

Learn more Dad skills, like totally ignoring my kids and staying late at work even though it requires no over time for weeks in a row. I'm really bad at being a Dad.

Find a mirror where I can look into the past, and tell my pre-teen self that continue to drink milk will make him fat and unmotivated.

Use this supremely popular blog to launch my comedy/atheist philosopher career. Oh wait. I just made myself sad.

with love from CRS @ 2:11 PM 


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