CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
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I Think I'm The Only One Who Is Satisfied With a Boring Sex Life

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

this entry brought to you by air france, "collapsing at your doorsteps"


this is part 2 of an email i sent to my friend, the previous part is here.


I honestly sometimes feel like a weirdo because I think I'm the only non-religious person my age that I know of who isn't into anything weird, sexually. For example, I hate anal sex. Hate it. I don't want it. I love vaginal sex. And I seem to be the only guy in the world my age who isn't interested in anal. Most guys I know are obsessed with it. The ones that aren't still have it rather regularly.

I feel like I must be some sort of... I don't know. "Wussy" kind of sums it up, but doesn't quite fit. I feel like there's something wrong with me. As if there must be... I don't know. Something psychologically wrong in my head because I'm the one guy below the age of 40 who doesn't want to be balls deep in asshole all the fucking time. I'm the only guy that cringes and frowns when I'm looking at porno and the girl starts shoving something up her ass. Which happens in every porno, by the way.

I also feel like everyone is into S&M. I feel like guys are always into humiliation. I mean, go to Youporn.com or Redtube (I don't). Click on any link. Girls are always getting humiliated. Constantly. And I don't even really feel like it's a feminist thing in my head, because most girls I know are into it too. I can't watch porno if girls are being humiliated. I like to think that everyone involved is having a good time. Have you ever watched Bang Bus? They are in a van, they pull up to girls on the street, offer them money to give them a ride, they seduce them, fuck them, and leave them stranded wherever it is that they are. I don't think it's real, I think it's all fake. But I don't get any enjoyment out of it, even knowing that it's fake. I know guys who are like "It's fake, I think it's hilarious." But I don't even think it's hilarious. I can't even jerk off to it.

Light S&M-- and I'm not just talking about a little ass slapping, of course you need to slap a little ass-- is pretty much on everybody's list, to the point where your average boring midwestern couple who really has no idea what "kinky" means is into it. Yet it just does not seem interesting to me at all. Whips and chains seem positively boring to me. It's not just that it turns me off, it actively bores me. I understand a little butt smacking when you're already in the act, but to get up, go get a whip, and stand there whipping a girl seems almost comical. The very idea makes me groan. And then there's all these buttplugs and assbeads and ball clamps and all this bullshit-- I don't get it at all. Like I said, I can't even get into it when I'm watching a porno. I lose interest. I want to fast forward. Whips and chains make me feel like, "Suck a dick already." And it's not the idea that a man isn't getting pleasure from being whipped-- it's not that I'm opposed to the idea of not getting pleasured while pleasuring someone. I'll go downtown for days. But to actually get a whip seems like tedium.

Now, obviously, the most important part is that my wife Michelle is pleased. Obviously. If she wasn't pleased, well, then I'd have to start doing things that I'm not into to please her, and I don't think I'd especially have a problem with that. But she's very pleased. She's not into any of this shit at all. And obviously your response could be "As long as she's happy, that's all that matters." And obviously that is all that matters. I'm not dissatisfied with my sex life. I think I have a very fulfilling sex life.

But my sexual prowess in the bedroom isn't what the problem is. There's keeping your lover satisfied, and then there's the general idea that you're a fucking weirdo. Imagine if Michelle and I were into puppet sex. And we couldn't get off unless we were having sex with puppets controlled by the other one. Obviously it'd be all well and good that we found each other and could make each other happy, but that doesn't mean that we're not fucking weirdos. Religious fundamentalists who only have sex missionary style for procreation reasons keep each other happy too. Doesn't mean they're not fucking weird. Or, as another example. I knew a girl named Jocelyn who was my age who was sexually abused. Sexually abused people turn one of two ways, they either become hyper sexualized, or they turn into puritans. She was the latter. And, god bless her, she was a nice girl, but sexually, she was a weirdo. And she knew it.

I feel like I'm some kind of weirdo because I only like what other people consider vanilla sex. I feel like I'm the only person my age who does. I feel like if I were into kinkier shit, Michelle would be down with it. But if Michelle were into kinkier shit, I feel like I'd probably laugh. Obviously there are people who only do it missionary style twice a year, but they're fundamentalist weirdos. I'm the only person under the age of 40 who isn't religious who isn't into humiliation and fucking women in the ass and choking and all that weird shit. I'm not even into tying up. I have a friend who broke her nose doing some weird tie-me-up shit, and when she told me this, even though she told me I was the only one who knew the truth (she made up a story when telling everyone else), I felt mildly repulsed.

So. Yeah. Obviously it doesn't matter if my wife is happy, but it doesn't make me feel like less of a vanilla weirdo. Like there's something mentally wrong with me. Like... Something had to have happened in my childhood to make me less sexually adventurous than every other secular person my age. I feel like most people would feel sorry for me if they knew how boring I was in bed. I mean, for example, I've never been drunk before. And some people when they learn this information are like, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" I've heard people that drink say they don't trust people who don't drink. And if somebody finds that out about me before they know who I am, they assume I've lived some sort of sheltered life. I suppose I'm probably the same way. If somebody else told me they'd never drank, never done drugs before, didn't smoke, I would also assume they didn't cuss and probably went to church every week. I feel like if I met someone who essentially only had missionary, boring sex with their spouse, I would feel sorry for them, and assume something was wrong. Yet I'm exactly the same way, and I don't really feel as if I have any hang-ups, yet I must be abnormal. I feel as if other people, when they find out how vanilla I am, must assume I'm some sort of person who cries after I masturbate or sneaks into women's restrooms to listen to them pee or I go to bowling alleys and smell women's shoes. That the only person who would deny themselves these things must be some kind of mentally dysfunctional person. That serial killers are created this way, by suppressing themselves.
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with love from CRS @ 10:06 AM 

1 Comments:

Dude! You have not lived until you've dressed up like your favorite anime character and fucked a leather-clad midget in the ass!

Be sure to videotape it too.. it's something you and the Mrs. will cherish for years to come!

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