CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
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The Certain Uncertainty of Wanting a Threesome

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

this entry brought to you by radiohead, "climbing up the walls"

a note: ordinarily i don't post much about my personal life. someone once asked me if i was a very private person and i don't feel that i really am-- i feel it has to do more with not wanting to bore readers with personal stuff than protecting any privacy. with that said, today and tomorrow's entries are extremely personal, and were originally written in an email to a friend (they've been edited here for readability). when i read over them again, however, i thought that they seemed interesting and worth sharing despite the personal content, and asked my wife if she was okay with me sharing it and she said yes.


My wife Michelle and I kind of have... I don't know what you would call it. I wouldn't call it an open relationship. She and I would like to have some sort of sexual activity with outside partners. A threesome, definitely. A foursome would be awesome. But we wouldn't even mind if we had another couple over and didn't swap, just had sex with one another. We're both really excited about it.

I also have told Michelle that I wouldn't mind if she made out with a girl and I wasn't there.

So I was listening to a podcast that I like called Keith and the Girl. Keith and Chemda (that would be the titular "Girl") have been dating for 8 years, and she is allowed to have sex with girls if she wants, he doesn't mind. And he says one day he was upstairs in his house, and he knew Chemda and another girl were downstairs, and they were probably making out. And he thought, I want to go grab a vodka, so he went downstairs, and sure enough, there they were, making out like bandits. So he went to get a vodka, and he said he wasn't trying to intrude, but he wasn't trying to tip-toe around either, it's his house, he'll get a vodka if he wants, and as he grabbed a glass the glasses kind of banged together, and the girls didn't even notice. It wasn't until he was leaving the room that they noticed he'd been down there.

And I got real uncomfortable listening to this.

Once Michelle had gone out with a girl, and I told Michelle that they could make out if they wanted, and this was something I knew might occur, and kind of the same thing that had happened with Keith had happened with us. I woke up at around 6:30 in the evening-- I sleep during the day because I work night shift-- to go turn off the AC, and, in the living room, I saw them kissing. Actually what I saw was this girl mounting Michelle. It was surreal.

And it bothered me a little.

Specifically, what bothered me about it was that it was in my house. I was mostly cool with it. 98%. But there was a little nag in my brain where I was felt, ehm, in my own house? That's kind of not cool. I didn't like the idea of being asleep while two chicks are making out in my living room. It seemed bad. I felt if they were at her house and making out, I could just be asleep, maybe get up and turn off the AC, and think, hmm, I wonder if they're doing anything. But it's completely another thing to walk out and know that they were doing something. And then going back to bed knowing that they're doing something and I have to go to sleep because I have to get up the next morning. Made me feel a little weird.

Now, there are guys out there who, if they read this, would say "What the fuck is wrong with you, dude? Why the fuck didn't you hop in that shit? Fuuuuuuuck yeah! What's better than that?"

Well, being awake, for one. Actually knowing the chick for another. Obviously if it was just work I was worried about I could risk a few hours of sleep and be fine, and it would totally be worth it. But I didn't know this girl, had never met her, had never chatted with her. How would I know that a dude suddenly showing up and sticking his penis inside her wouldn't freak her out? And further, I was unprepared-- unshowered, teeth not brushed, etc. And for another, that wasn't part of the deal. The deal wasn't that I'd barge in on her making out and instantly have threesome action with someone who might be an unwitting participant.

But that's not the point of the story. The point is that I felt just slightly weird about it being in my house. And I talked to Michelle about it and she agreed that yeah, that probably was a little weird, and it wouldn't happen again-- she also said that the night hadn't exactly gone in such a way that she was completely anticipating it, and had not expected to be mounted and kissed.

So now, in the present, I'm listening to this story on the Keith and the Girl podcast and I'm getting uncomfortable. Thinking, really, in the house? That seems so not cool to me.

And then I started thinking-- do I really want to have a threesome? I feel that I 100% do. I don't have any doubts. But when I start to think that I'm uncomfortable about Michelle making out with a chick in my house, I think, is that a doubt? Is that a nagging doubt and I'm just deluding myself? I don't feel like I'm deluding myself. Yet I don't feel comfortable with Michelle making out with a chick in my house. And I wonder, is this a doubt taking form in a way I'm not aware of? For the record, Michelle hasn't had the chance to make out with another chick outside of the house, so I don't know how that would make me feel. I feel like I would be fine with that. But what if this is a sign? I don't think it is. But I don't know for certain. Is it perfectly reasonable for a guy to like his lady doing some chick, so long as it's not in his house? Or does a guy saying "Just not in my house" make him delusional?
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with love from CRS @ 7:42 AM 

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