CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
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Real-Life Abstinence Only Campaigns are Baffling and Hysterical

Thursday, April 16, 2009

this entry brought to you by nine inch nails, "right where it belongs"





When I did my satire on abstinence-only groups the other week, the picture that I used originally looked like this. And I thought it in and of itself was worth commenting on.

First of all, let's assume that these really are actual quotes from the actual people that are pictured. More than likely these are just three models that they chose and some marketing group chose what the little "I choose abstinence!" quotes below each of them would be, because that's how these things actually work, especially since these kids aren't even named or given any sort of identification. But for the sake of argument, I'm going to assume that these are real people and those are actual quotes they submitted, because if those quotes were created by committee, this makes even less sense.

So first, let's take the top line. "I choose abstinence!" Let's examine that for a second. The very first thing that we're introduced to, the thing our eyes are supposed to lead to, is a lie. It implies choice. Well, shit, there's absolutely nothing wrong with choosing abstinence. Ever. The problem is the word "choose". The people behind this program don't actually want their teens to choose anything. They want them to be left with absolutely as few options as possible-- in fact, only one, above all else. If the "abstinence only" people were "Sex Education And Choose What to Do with Said Education", then there would be no argument. In fact, there wouldn't even be need for an argument, because we'd all be on the same side. What they are instead doing is "Abstinence Only", and then pretending there's an illusion of choice, which of course there is not. You can't ever demand only one thing and then say that there was ever a choice.

The exact same logic comes out in the Pro-Life movement. They have bumper stickers and signs and slogans and posters that say "Choose life!" Thank you, I believe I will. The problem is that you don't actually want me to have a choice. You want to use the word "choose" in the word "life", but you want to stop me from the choice of abortion. That, then, isn't a choice. The bumper stickers should read "FORCE LIFE OR GO TO HELL."

Let's dissect what the innocent- enough looking Christian teens have to say with their "choice" of abstinence.

"Because I value my virginity," says the smirking dude in the red shirt.

You know what? No problem at all. Kids that don't value their virginity are just going to end up valuing nothing in life overall, I believe.

"Because I don't want warts," says the grinning, dead-eyed Native American girl.

...What the fuck? Now, this is where I'm going to have to assume that these are actual quotes from actual teenagers, because only a teenager who is completely ignorant of what sex is actually like would say this. This is the equivalent of a 4th grader saying "I uh, don't want to eat drugs, because drugs is bad and they will make you sick." This is something I actually heard a 4th grader say once, and while it's not exactly wrong, it is a hilariously narrow-minded view on why you shouldn't do drugs.

Keep in mind that while it makes sense in the way talking to a mentally retarded child about sex might make some sense, in my comedy version of it, I still had to rewrite the second quote. Since we, as Americans, read from left to right, the funniest joke needed to be on the very right, and I didn't want anyone to get tripped up on the inherent funniness of a teenaged girl saying the main reason why she doesn't want to have sex is because she's afraid she'll get warts. What I'm saying is, I, a person writing comedy, came up with a better reason for a girl to not want to have sex than an actual girl who doesn't want to have sex did. And again, this is assuming this wasn't written by committee, in which case it makes no sense whatsoever.

But then there's the kicker for me:

"Because abstinence has given me a second chance," says a pleasant Hispanic dude.

I want you to read that one more time, to let it sink in: Because abstinence has given me a second chance.

What... in God's name is he fucking talking about?

A second chance at what? At getting laughed at by all the kids who are out having sex? How in the hell do you get a second chance at losing your virginity? How is it that you can have a second chance at the first time you ever have sex?

Is he saying that he's already lost his virginity and now he's taking a vow of abstinence? They already have a word for that! If you've already had sex, then it's called celibacy! You can't abstain from something you've already done! And even if celibacy is what he's claiming, doesn't that completely outdo everything else they're trying to set up with this "choose abstinence" campaign? Woo-hoo! He didn't impregnate a chick or get genital warts or all those other things we're trying to keep teenagers from doing by not having sex. Good thing he can try that shit all over again!

Now, again, he's a teenager, and teenagers say stupid things that make no sense, and when they're cornered and forced to come up with something they're supposed to care about but don't actually know anything about, they'll bullshit. "Hey kid, why don't you want to have sex?" "Uh. Cuz uhm. Geez. Cuz I get to. Have. A second chance... and shit! Yeah! That's inspiring! Goddamn do I ever sound smart!" That's not a fucking pledge for your virginity, that's a fucking book report for a book you didn't read! "I uh, it's about-- these dinosaurs? In this park? And uh. Things go terribly wrong. Terribly. Oh my god, all those dinosaurs-- I can't get into it, it's just too terrifying."

And once again, why didn't anyone in charge of making this poster and, you know, getting the message out, look at a draft of this and say "Wait, what the fuck? This doesn't make any sense! We can't let this go to print like that! Second chance? Second chance from what? Who interviewed this idiot?" Nope, it all got approved and printed and it makes no damn sense.

See folks, this is the problem with faith. Faith makes you half-ass shit, thinking, well hell, I tried. My heart's in the right place. God will do the rest for me. As long as I'm doing the Lord's work! Because it's right there, in the Bible, "Teaching absolutely anything about sex or sexuality is bound to lead a child to absolute madness. Besides, this way they can be disappointed with how awful sex is after how much they've built it up." It's right in there after "Ban the rod, spoil the child."
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with love from CRS @ 7:43 AM 

1 Comments:

Thank. You.

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