CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
Profile continued . . .

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19 ACTUAL Rules to Being a Democrat! By a Democrat!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

this entry brought to you by vampire weekend, "cape cod kwassa kwassa"


A week ago I ran across a list of rules for being a Democrat. It was meant as sarcastic and scathing, the kind of thing a conservative writes and pats himself on the back for, having done a job well done. "Zing!" the writer probably said to himself when he was finished. "That'll teach those commie libs!"

The problem was, aside from being mean spirited, they weren't even the slightest bit true. Some were based on idiotic liberal generalizations such as "guns in Americans hands are a bigger threat than nukes from China" and "Abortions are good but capital punishment is evil", but there were some that were just nonsense, such as "manger scenes should be illegal", and "you believe gay pride parades displaying bestiality are cool". Nobody believes manger scenes should be illegal, and the Gay Pride/Bestiality Parade doesn't exist. If you want, you can read that list of rules and my refutations of it here. And you should though, for a laugh.

I was thinking about that today, and I thought, you know, you really could write a list of rules to being a Democrat, and you could actually make them true, and you could actually make them friendly-spirited yet still biting. Just because every item on the above mentioned list was completely fucking retarded doesn't mean we're always right, or that we're not occasionally hypocrites. But especially, we're not above laughing at ourselves. I'm certainly not. It's with the spirit of good spirited self deprecation that I present to you...

19 *ACTUAL* RULES TO BEING A DEMOCRAT.
 and I myself am guilty of about half of these. i'm just not going to admit which!


1. You believe marijuana should be legalized, but whenever you see anyone running for President that says marijuana should be legalized, he's too radical for the country.

2. You believe Bush stole two elections, but people who believe that aliens have visited this planet and the government has covered it up for over fifty years are probably crazy and should be medicated.

3. Veggie Tales is vaguely creepy because of its Christian overtones, but Wall-E and it's anti-consumerist America message brought a tear to your eye.

4. You cried when we elected a black president, but get nervous at a black dude standing behind you at an ATM machine, telling yourself you'd think the same if it was a white guy wearing a business suit even though you know this is a lie.

5. You know that evolution is fact and know that there is hard science to prove it, and everyone who denies this is a dangerous lunatic, even though you can't explain evolution past "We, like, came from monkeys? I think? Wait, which one is the monkey, the one with the tail or without?"

6. You know that global warming is fact and know that there is hard science to prove it, and everyone who denies this is a dangerous lunatic, even though you can't explain global warming past "Like, all our cars make this awful pollution, and that's bad."

7. You believe education is one of the best things an American can have and that college is of the utmost importance. You have saved up for your child's college fund since before he or she was even born, though you know they'll just blow it on a degree that has absolutely no use, just like you did.

8. You would protest for days on end and swear you would go to war for any artist's right to say anything he or she wants, regardless of whether you personally agree with it or not, regardless of whether it offends people or not, and teach your children that nothing is more important than free speech. But in this house, we never use the words "fat", "stupid", or "ugly", because those words totally hurt people's feelings.

9. If you're black, you would vehemently protect federal or state assistance, because there are so many people below the poverty line who we can't just ignore, and leaving them in their rut just creates a vicious cycle of crime and ignorance that will just get worse and never stop. But you are deeply ashamed and embarrassed by your cousin Meliqua and speak to her only with an obligatory "So how are you doing?" at family gatherings, because she is the very definition of "welfare queen".

10. If you're white, you go out of your way to describe your ethnicity as being anything but merely "white", as if there is something wrong with just being white.

11. If you're a centrist, you disavow Michael Moore for his tactics, even though you have never disagreed with absolutely anything he's ever said.

12. You've spent well over a hundred dollars on anti-Bush t-shirts and pro-Obama shirts, but people who dress up like their favorite characters at sci-fi conventions are nerds who have too much time on their hands.

13. You were pro-McCain in 2000 when he was running against George W. Bush in the Republican primaries. But in June 2008 when he was running against Obama, you believed he was probably Satan.

14. You say there are no red and blue states, but swear you'd kill yourself if you had to live anywhere near those fucking rednecks.

15. When you see a preacher begging for money as you flip past the channels, you think, "Why don't you stop trying to rip people off?" But when PBS or NPR begs for donations, you feel awful that you can't give enough.

16. When you're on a street corner and waiting for the crossing signal to light up and a Mormon pedals up next to you on his bike, you don't make eye contact, you pretend to be crazy, or you pretend to have a very angry conversation on your cell phone. When your friend tells you he's volunteered for the Democratic party and is going to go out and get people to register to vote, you say "Right on, brother."

17. Drawing a line from gay marriage to bestiality is utterly ridiculous, but drawing a line from the Bush administration to Nazi Germany is perfectly logical.

18. As a man, you wish conservatives would just admit the only reason they like Ann Coulter is because they want to fuck her, though you would totally do Rachel Maddow if she were straight, and like, grew her hair out a little, although that last part would be optional.

19. You believe torture is immoral and wrong and that we as a country should absolutely never engage in it, but for the past year you were glued to the endless election coverage. Hey-ooooh!
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with love from CRS @ 9:55 AM 

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