bitterisataste . . . words and ramblings . . . v.6.0

Rebuking the "Rules for Being a Democrat"

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

this entry brought to you by spoon, "i turn my camera on"

Today is election day. At the time of this writing, I don't know who is going to win, and I've been considering what I should write today. I thought about writing about my general mood and what I'm feeling, but frankly, I'm feeling paranoid and worried, and I don't feel very much like dwelling on it. If tomorrow things don't work out the way they're supposed to, then I will have plenty of emotions to work with. If tomorrow things do work out the way they're supposed to, I'll have a good context to summarize a lot of things. Which leaves me with today, kind of an in-between limbo state, where I just feel uneasy. My stomach hurts.

Yesterday, however, my wife came across something that she had to share with me. In the produce section of her store, in the back room, someone had hung up a list of "22 rules for being a Democrat", and when she read it, the list was idiotic liberal bashing, and she immediately did a search for it when we got home (amusingly, when you do a search for it on Google right now, the first thing you'll come up with is a list of 25 rules for being a Republican, a nearly line-for-line response to it). On first glance, it seemed to come from a cool head. But when you actually read the thing, every "rule" was idiotic and stupid, from a place of ignorance and hatred, but didn't come off with frothing bile as you might expect the usual liberal bashing, to make anyone who didn't know any better pump their fist in agreement.

I disagree with Barack Obama that there are no red states and blue states. This country is so rigidly torn in two we could easily form two different countries. It's so easy to say that your side is right and your side is wrong, but as is often the case, there are facts to back up one side, whereas there is just a feeling that something is right on the other. Stephen Colbert coined a term a few years ago that's spread like wildfire, because it is so utterly right on the head, "truthiness". People believe something, really in their heart believe it, even when it's not correct, because it feels correct. This list of rules to being a Democrat came from that very head space. This isn't to say that the Democratic party is perfect; in fact, satire from all over, notably the Onion and SNL have done a great job of showing off the flaws of the Democratic party, and it's not like any of us could deny it. We can all have a sense of humor about ourselves, if indeed we're caught in a spot.

...That's not the spirit that this list was written in, however. I wanted to respond on a point-by-point basis, but I didn't want to just retaliate by remaking a list for my own purposes, I wanted to actually respond to it. Again, I don't want to say that my side has all the answers. But in this case, there is a right, and there is a wrong. The blog we found this on was written by someone who called themselves a "Conservative Christian". I'm positive they weren't the originator of this list, but seeing as how they posted it on their blog, I'm going to assume they endorse it wholly, so I'm going to respond to this as if they were.

RULES FOR BEING A DEMOCRAT

1. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

So you start off your list with a bit of a curb ball. I have absolutely no idea where this is coming from. AIDS is spread by a lack of federal funding? Maybe I was busy looking at somebody's rack the last time I was at a Democrat cocktail party, sipping my Champagne and eating my imported cheese, but I've never heard this one. But anyway, I'll counter with this: Your side thinks it was spread by fags. Which one of us is more ignorant?

2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th-graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

Seriously, what state do you live in, "Christian Conservative", where 4th grade teachers are teaching their students how to read? Shouldn't that be done years before? I'm the first to complain about the American education system being rampaged by barbarians who keep sending money to making Cold War era anti-missile missiles (when our current opponents are using weaponry any American could just buy at a gun show) instead of putting those funds into teaching our children how to appreciate music and art, but what in the hell are they doing for those first four years in school where you live? Why are they waiting for the fourth grade to read? Maybe you should move. I live in Arizona, which you'll note is hardly the land of liberals, and, like Alaska, has about one city with any population whatsoever, and my 1st grader already reads at a third grade level. And as for your worry that these fourth grade teachers are teaching kids about sex, sex education is scientifically proven to have a better success rate than abstinence education. So you can "believe" what you want.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese & North Korean communists.

Holy shit, you got me there. I absolutely do believe that guns in the hands of law abiding citizens are more of a threat than China and North Korea having nuclear weapons. God, every time I turn on the news, China or North Korea is shooting another nuclear weapon at me, and I absolutely never hear about law-abiding citizens shooting one another on accident. In fact, our Vice President for the past eight years never accidentally shot anybody in the face. But goddamn, I could build a entire jungle gym out of the spent shells of all those Chinese nuclear weapons in my back yard.

Let me word this another way. You call yourself a "Christian". You know guns have no other purpose than killing, don't you? Killing is against Christ. I'll let those two ideas collide around in your brain until your head explodes.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

What? This one is a curve ball as well, as I believe you're trying to zing liberals for our whining about the Republicans continually pulling money from the arts to build weapons. The funny thing is, if this is the connection you're trying to make, again, you got us. Never mind the fact that the money you want to protect us from the grave threat of Chinese or North Korean nuclear weapons isn't doing diddly to help armor our soldiers who are getting shot with alarming regularity in the two wars we're fighting. But yeah, I am sore that the government won't take some of those trillions and spend it so that children can actually learn what a musical instrument does.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUVs.

And you must not believe those "scientists" that keep blabbering on and on about the exact opposite of what you just said. Who cares about all those years of dedicated study, and peer-reviewed processes? You've got God!

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

Yes. Gender roles and sexuality are two different things. A gender role is how society supposes a specific gender should act. In other words, that a man is a man because he "wears the pants in the family", and a woman is a woman because she wants to be a mother and cook and coddle the kids and stuff. Sexuality is what you are naturally inclined to be sexually attracted to, which is different. You can still fall into stereotypical gender roles and still want to fuck the same sex. I think when you wrote this you thought that you were making a very strong, very clever point, but you're arguing apples and oranges.

7. You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.

This "on demand" phrase confuses me. Is there an abortion truck riding around the city, waiting for abortion calls, so they can zip to your location and get you an abortion lickity split? Certainly abortions do need to be available when needed, because there's a certain, you know, timing aspect to this delicate situation, but still, your usage of the phrase "on demand" seems odd.

Obviously the idea that somebody would be for killing babies but not for killing criminals sounds like a hypocritical thought on the surface, but it's really not. Nobody wants to kill babies. Going into how these two things are different is an entirely different debate, and would take up an entry on its own, so let me ask this: Why are you so pro killing criminals, if life is so precious to you?

Let me word this another way. You call yourself a "Christian". Killing is against Christ. How can you support capital punishment? Jesus was killed by capital punishment. I'll let that collide in your brain until your head explodes.

8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression, and governments create prosperity.

Let me ask you this. How can you possibly defend businesses, after the near-collapse of our economy? I don't necessarily believe that governments create prosperity, but businesses do create oppression. You might've noticed that when they came and took your house away. And if not yours, then your neighbor's. This is a silly argument to make.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.

Oh, now you're just being mean. This doesn't even deserve a response.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

This coming from a person who believes a Supreme Being is always watching him and loves him unconditionally, hears, pays attention to, and answers every single one of his prayers, while the rest of the country loses their homes, their jobs, or their lives in a war that won't end. What's it like being so fucking special?

11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make ‘The Passion of the Christ’ for financial gain only.

I believe Mel Gibson made the movie because it was a project he very much believed in. I believe he also knew it was a gamble, and until its opening weekend, knew he could've lost a lot of money, and didn't care. I believe he made it because he thought it was the right thing for him to make at the time, and I while I think he knew it would be controversial, I don't think he made it to be controversial. I think he knew, and rightfully so, that essentially anything he made would be given a lot of attention, but I don't think he did it for notoriety, nor that he did it for financial gain.

I also believe he is a crazy alcoholic who made a bad movie that is a creepy interpretation of Christianity, not at all meant to be taken as literal any more than any other Hollywood version of any story.

12. You have to believe that the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.

Who in the hell ever said the military starts wars? What the hell are you talking about? And if you're a conservative, how is this "corrupt politicians" line not an indictment of your shitty, corrupt party? Or did you not pay attention to who was at the switch when these wars were started?

13. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

The ACLU exists to support your civil rights, in a non-deadly way. The NRA exists to support guns, and serves no other function. Yes, NRA is there to uphold the second amendment, but why are you so supportive of guns anyway? Guns serve death, and have no other function. Christ is against killing. How the hell has your brain not exploded yet? How many layers of double think are you adding there to keep yourself at peace?

14. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

Taxes help pay for policemen to protect you from bad guys, and pay for teachers to teach your fourth graders (apparently) how to read. ATM fees help fill the linings of the jackets of corporate jackholes who have ravaged this country. Please tell me you can tell the difference between these two things. Also, tell me you didn't pat yourself on the back when you wrote this one, because it is really, really idiotic.

15. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E.Lee, and Thomas Edison.

Who in the hell is Margaret Sanger? Apparently I went to the wrong Democratic schools as a young liberal, because my history books taught me a lot about Thomas Jefferson, Robert E. Lee, and Thomas Edison. When you went to school, your class might have skipped over this one guy, James Madison, whose document your party has been delighted in shredding for the past eight years.

16. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

Racial quotas are racist. They're also necessary. You probably didn't notice this, but there's been a lot of racism in this current election. There have been people who outright admitted to reporters that they would never vote for a black man. And what about the leagues of people who still believe Barack Obama is a Muslim? If Barack Obama was a Muslim, what the fuck difference would it make? That's what a rational person would say. But to a racist, that's just one more reason to not vote for him, a word they can use that isn't "black". So yeah, racial quotas are evil. But necessary. Because if there are still people that don't believe a black person can be president, there are definitely still people who think a black man can't manage a team of cubicle automatons.

17. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and really a very nice person.

Seriously, just fucking explain why the hell you people have such a hate on for Hillary Clinton. Just come out with it already. And no saying something you think is cute, like "She's a bitch!", because that's what you people claim to love about Sarah Palin. Republicans hate Democrats. Which is fine, because Democrats hate Republicans. But there's something about a female Democrat that is especially loathsome to Republicans. Do you know what I think? You know that theory that people want to have sex with the things they hate the most? The homophobe is secretly repressing sexual urges, or the little boy throws rocks at the girl he has a crush on? I think you all secretly want to fuck Hillary Clinton. I think you all want to marry and make sweet Republican love to Sarah Palin, because she's so openly your pin-up girl. But Hillary Clinton is the dungeon mistress you all are ashamed that you are completely submissive to. That's the only reason why anybody could hate this woman, who is, objectively, no more loathsome than any other politician. For the record, I'm positive John McCain is not evil, and, from all indication, is an extremely charming guy who can be very easy to get along with. Why can't you admit the same about Hillary?

18. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

You're right. Just ask Canada. Or France. Or Switzerland. or Sweden. Or the entirety of the UK. Or any number of socialist countries that obviously don't work, who just so happen to have currency much stronger than our own.

19. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and sex offender belonged in the White House.

Nobody wants truth-telling, innocent conservatives in jail. Where in the world would you get that idea? The problem is the number of conservatives who lie. And are sexual deviants. I would honestly like to see what conservatives that you believe are telling the truth, and also that you believe my side wants in jail. I should also point out that getting a blowjob does not qualify you as a sex offender.

20. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

First of all, there are no homosexual parades displaying "bestiality". Again I ask, where the hell is it that you live? Any parade that displays bestiality is a different sort of parade altogether. Secondly, nobody, but nobody, thinks manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal. I'm sure any sort of conservative Christian nutcase will read your point and say "HELL YEAH! THEY'LL NEVER TAKE AWAY OUR JESUS!!" But nobody's trying to take away your manger scenes, or your Jesus. We might have a problem with them at a courthouse, or maybe at school, but nobody has a problem with manger scenes in front of your home. You fucking reactionist weirdo. If anybody is knocking over your manger scene during Christmas, it's because you're an asshole, not because you believe in Christ.

20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese government is somehow in the best interest of the United States.

You mean the illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese that it took millions and millions of dollars of tax payer money to find out didn't exist? Thanks for bringing that up again, I'd nearly forgotten our side was right about that one as well.

21. You have to believe that this letter is part of a vast, right-wing conspiracy.

I believe this letter is part of a vast idiot movement of people who think they have some clue of what they're talking about, but do not have anything to back up those beliefs. I'm not saying my side is right, I'm saying the people that you represent are wrong. And not just on a philosophical point where you can't be proven wrong, I mean factually. I mean, seriously. You think Democrats want Christmas mangers made illegal?
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with love from CRS @ 9:08 AM

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

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