Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
Profile continued . . .


Sunday, June 15, 2008

this entry brought to you by demon days, "feel good, inc"

Let me tell you, back before I became a father, I was a totally fucking different person. I was quite a womanizer. I was quite a partier. I was completely and totally irresponsible. Not a care in the world. But then everything changed. I became a dad. My life is totally fucking different now, and let me tell you, I actually prefer it this way. I like being a responsible person now, I like knowing that there are people who need me. Being a dad gives me purpose. Before, I was just a guy who did a bunch of things. But now that I'm a father, I have meaning. It's very fulfilling, let me tell you. Being a father has totally fucking changed my life.

Back before I was a dad, I would go out every single week, out to the strip clubs to blow our pay checks on alcohol and strippers. We would sometimes hit up multiple strip clubs a night. Wanton debauchery, that was our motto. It's a completely different story now. Nowadays, when I go out with the guys and head to a strip club, I feel a little guilty. As I get a lap dance and that sexy whore grinds her ass into my erection and I agree to pay for another song, I feel kind of a nagging doubt in my head. I feel like, maybe I shouldn't be doing this. I've got a wife and kid now. So what I do is, sometimes I'll talk to the stripper and tell her how much I love my kid, and they're usually totally fucking interested in my kid, and usually they tell me about theirs, or if they don't have any, about how they want some. It's pretty cool, you should definitely try talking to strippers about your kids, it's a lot of fun. Believe me, back before I was a dad, I only said things to the stripper like "Oh, you're a dirty slut, you like that, don't you? You like riding on that?" Things are totally fucking different now that I'm a dad.

That's not the only way my life has totally fucking changed. When I wake up after an insane bender on the floor in somebody's apartment (or, in the last case, in somebody's front lawn) with passed out bodies all over the place, and it's the middle of the afternoon and I've been out drinking since getting off work the previous day, when I finally make it home to my wife and kid, I'm completely fucking different than how I used to be. I try to come up with a really good lie about my behavior. For example, one time I said it was the first day back in America for a friend after his service in Iraq, and we absolutely had to celebrate, and things got a little out of hand. Most recently, I lied and said my friend was being shipped back to Iraq, and this was his last day of freedom. The point is, I didn't just tell her to get off my fucking back, that I'm my own man, that she isn't the fucking boss of me, like I would have before my kid was born.

Man, I totally fucking love my kid. My kid is the absolute greatest in the whole world. I would do anything for her. One time my kid came home crying, saying some other kid pushed her down at school and called her a name. Let me tell you, I went out and found him and beat the fuck out of that kid, and I told him if he ever hurt my little girl again, I'd rip out his asshole and his colon lining, and I'd replace it with wet cement. That kid went and told his dad, and when his dad confronted me, I beat the fuck out of that guy. I spent two weeks in jail for my kid, but it was totally worth it. I would do anything for her. Before she was born, there wasn't a single fucking person I would have said that about and meant it.

I totally fucking love being a dad, but let me tell you, it's not for everybody. There are some guys who just don't have it in them to fucking shape up and become a responsible adult like I have, and stop being a little boy. To grow up, to be mature. I feel sorry for those guys. And to them I would say, man, it's the greatest fucking feeling a guy could ever get-- aside from the first time you nail two chicks at once, that would probably be higher on my list of greatest feelings, because, like, any dude can become a sperm donor, but it takes a true fucking stud to get with two chicks at once. But like, being a responsible parent will totally fucking change your life. The key point, however, is that you have got to learn to be responsible. Or else you're just some dude that has a roommate that doesn't have a job, not cuz she's lazy, but because she's just a kid. Also, being a dad, you suddenly come up with totally deep shit to say, just like I did right there. It's fucking awesome.

yesterday last year have you ever seen an ice cream man who was very obviously a drug dealer?

with love from CRS @ 9:50 AM 


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