CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
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Parents are the Worst Creatures in the World

Friday, April 11, 2008

this entry brought to you by pearl jam, "blood"





I have a five year old, and I absolutely love her to death. But I don't recommend kids to other people. Not because I think raising kids is hard, or because I hate my kids, or any of those things. It's because when you become a parent, you realize everybody else is a fucking asshole.

People that you know that are fully grown adults but aren't parents will complain that they couldn't go out and go to a kegger their friends invited them to because they had to work that weekend. I remember I heard this very sentiment from somebody easily close to their thirties when I worked in a call center, and the thing was, I loved working weekends, because weekends were slow. I was like, but dude, you can take a nap and it won't make a damn difference! Finally, some peace and quiet!

The worst, however, aren't non-parents who have no concept of what "growing up" is. The worst are other parents. When you become a parent, you realize all other parents are positively the worst people in the whole world. And they will judge you.

"You feed your daughter peanut butter from a jar? My kids don't eat peanut butter from a jar. I home-make a disgusting, baby-puke colored organic peanut mush that I spread on whole-wheat bread that my kids just love to eat with their Guarana-Soy Protein slurry, which is also home grown."

"You let your daughter watch PBS? My kids are treated to 15 minutes of a DVD on eco-terrorism every weekend, but only if they've done all their chores and cited 20 different ways we white people have demoralized minorities. And they love it."

It's even worse if the parents are Christians. "You let your daughter go to public school? My kids stay home all day agonizingly memorizing propaganda that will warp their brains and has absolutely no use in reality and will in no way prepare them to be functioning human beings once we unleash them on society. And they love it. They also have plenty of perfectly normal friends that they love who are absolutely not weird in any way who are also being trapped in their respective homes in the exact same manner."

They're either that type, or they're the type who have absolutely no concept of how to keep their children from being absolutely insane. Somehow you'll have gotten trapped with them and their kids, and their kids will be Hulking out, veins bursting in their foreheads, their faces red, their voices hoarse from all the constant yelling, running amok, referring to their parents by their first names, and possibly swearing, to the point where even your crazy kid is looking at you like, "Seriously, is this a punishment? I can't handle this shit. Couldn't I just go sit in a corner or something? Were time outs not working well enough? Because if not, I could re-evaluate how I react to them. Really. I promise." And their parents will be all, "I just don't know how to control my kids-- honey, get down from there-- They just don't listen to me what-- honey, I said get down from there-- What was I saying? Oh right. I don't know, I just-- Honey, please get down from there-- Kids are just such a handful, you know? It's like they're-- Please honey, I want you to get down from there before you hurt yourself-- They're so precious, but they're so demanding-- honey, get down from there..."

Have you ever been with one of these parents, and after a few minutes you just can't put up with their ineffectualness? And you have to be the one to actually tell them to stop doing whatever it is they're doing, even though their parent is right there? You're like, "Aiden! Your mother said get down, so get down right this second!" And then they do, and their parent says, "Yeah honey, listen to Uncle Chris."

What's this Uncle Chris bullshit? That's Mister Waites to your demon child! Your shitty kid gets the right to call me "Uncle Chris" when I don't absolutely hate them, which will probably be the time when you grow a foot and learn to actually put put it down-- and in both cases, that means it'll probably be never! So "Mister Waites" from now until eternity!
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on this day last year they call it the "tramp stamp". and i'm sick of it.
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with love from CRS @ 6:58 AM 

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