CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States
There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
Profile continued . . .
The Guilt of Watching Your Favorite Dead Porn Star
this entry brought to you by queens of the stone age, "never say never"
You probably don't know who she is, but my wife and I have grown extremely fond of a porn star named Haley Paige. And yes, let me say that both of us like her-- my wife has not only independently downloaded videos of her, but also Wikipedia'd her way before I ever did. I add that in so you know I'm not just saying that we both like her in the way I might say Michelle and I love Grand Theft Auto, even though I'm the only one who plays it; Michelle genuinely and actively enjoys this particular porn star, and I would say that she is our combined favorite. The problem is that a few days ago I'd decided to Wikipedia her again-- I'm not sure why-- and I learned that she had died in August. Worse, she might've been murdered. So for one thing, it's sad because it's someone who we're familiar with that died very prematurely, under murky circumstances. But unlike other celebrities or semi-celebrities I've known of that have died, my sole knowledge of her has been entirely, ahem, with penis in hand.
You know when you're watching footage of someone that's been murdered, say, of John Kennedy, or maybe Sharon Tate, or someone that committed suicide like Kurt Cobain, or even just someone that died young, like River Phoenix or Jimi Hendrix, and you get that weird, ethereal feeling inside you that is nostalgic and yet somehow slightly uncomfortable? These are people that you genuinely cared about and it's different than with just a porn star, because a porn star you don't really care about per se, you just enjoy looking at them. But with her dead, watching her fills me with some of the same feelings, that feeling of nostalgia and discomfort, except that it's added with the feeling of morbidity. I am watching a dead person. Not literally, the footage I'm seeing is of a person very much alive. But right now she's dead. I feel guilty watching her do sex acts. I feel more perverted than I would ordinarily. She's a corpse! I think part of this has to do with the normal intellectual porn guilt that most people choose to completely ignore. If you think about any porn star logically, you realize that she's probably been abused in some way as a kid, was poor, and was looking for a way to get by, or was starving for any kind of attention. With any porn star you realize in the back of your head that she's probably a drug addict by now, because that's the porn star lifestyle. It's the same with strippers, or anyone else in the sex industry. The worst part about watching videos of a dead porn actress is knowing that you watching porn is what contributed to her death in a murky way. How are you supposed to let that guilt hang over your head?
On the other hand, she was hot. Dead or not, she had a hot damn body, and a really cute face. So who am I to resist a hot body and a cute face, especially while she's doing wonderful things with said body and face? There's morbid guilt involved in the whole process that requires much more than the normal suspension of disbelief (that being the belief that all these people are healthy mentally and physically and are of sound body and mind and having fun at all times), but I'm sure I'll get over it.
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on this day last year what inspired this entry was bill o'reilly saying that he met the president and he thinks he's a good man. well of course your meeting with him was pleasant-- you have money, and you probably paid to see him, or else it was at a press event where it would be to his benefit for him to be nice to you. it's called "glad-handing". and i thought about it, and realized lots of people who have met the president think he's a decent fella. but everything he's done as president says otherwise. so this entry came about.
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with love from CRS @ 9:16 AM
1 Comments:
Good post. Thanks for sharing. I feel the same way..heartsick and sad. And, also guilty to even think about watching any of her vids I bought. I haven't watched a vid of hers since I found out she died. Not sure I will.
There's a cool tribute site on MySpace about her at www.myspace.com/haleypagetribute
