CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
Profile continued . . .

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The Sounds of Sex

Thursday, May 24, 2007

this entry brought to you by nine inch nails, "the great destroyer"


If you don't mind my saying, my wife Michelle and I are vocal in bed. And I don't just mean with the oohs and aahs, which really isn't nearly as much as we'd like to-- we have both a four year old and a grandma in various rooms across the house, so the oohs and aahs have to be kept much lower than we'd like. But we're both talkers. We follow the theory that dirty talk keeps everything exciting in the boudoir, although I don't think either of us ever vocalized that we should be doing this to keep our sex life healthy. It's just how we are.

It's funny, though, because just like anything else, you can be in the mood for lovin', but not in the mood for dirty talkin', even though the other person might be very much into it at that moment. Sometimes you just kind of nod your head and go "uh-huh", and give the person the clue that you're not in the mood for words, but sometimes you want to try to play along but lack creativity. Which creates awkward sex talk such as the following:

Her: "Ooh yeah, oh, that's it. Oh yeah. Chris-- yeah, that's great-- what would you do if there were eight fuckin' sexy-ass 18 year old girls in here, all naked and wet? Huh? What would you do?"

Me: "Well, I'll tell you what I'd do. I'd have sex with them. That's right. All eight. Boy, those eight sexy-ass 18 year olds wouldn't know what hit 'em, what with all the sex they'd be getting. From me."

The thing about this, though, is that when you're comfortable with someone, you start to lose the "Don't Say Stupid Shit" radar, so when you are with your wife of several years and she wants the dirty talkin' and you can't think of anything, you don't really dig deep. When you're not in the mood for dirty talk and you're having sex with a girl for the first time and she starts with the dirty talk, hell, you dig deep for any kind of non-retarded sex talk you can think of. But this isn't usually what happens the first time-- not really. When you first get with a girl, both parties are oddly silent while having sex; that is they ooh and aah but they avoid getting into particulars because you have this little radar in your head, and whenever it detects a thought skittering across your brain that you're about to say something stupid, it immediately gets shot down. This is for your own good.

One time however, I was with a girl who obviously didn't have her radar up.

Right when we start getting hot and heavy, she starts really getting into it. "Oh Chris," she moans, "I'm so fuckin' wet."

"Ooh, baby," I said, or something to that affect. I don't remember exactly what I said, but whenever a girl says she's wet, basically you retort with something encouraging. It would be bad if you said something discouraging when she said that. You're wet? That's fucking gross! Yuck! Get out of the backseat of my car, you disgusting, liquid-secreting thing! So yeah, I said something to the effect of "Yeah, baby, ooh."

"Do you want to hear it?"

...Do I want to... hear it? Uhm. I guess I hadn't really thought about it. Uhm. Yeah sure, I was game for hearing it. I listened. Yep, that was pretty darned wet alright. Of course I played it off, I didn't want to embarrass her at this particular moment when her radar failed to detect an oncoming stupid remark, and I said ooh yeah, that sounds so hot-- and I guess it kinda did, but this was still a remarkably strange thing to bring up when she was with a dude for the first time. Had she done this with every guy she was with? Is that why her radar missed it? Or had she perhaps encountered a series of dudes who were really into listening to the squishes of a lubricated vaginas, each who asked to hear her wetness their first time. It's not that I have a particular problem with squishy pussies, I just think this is a weird thing to focus on when you're 15 years old in the back of a car in the middle of a parking lot and the boy doesn't even know exactly what a clitoris is yet.

I'm not going to act as if I've never said anything idiotic while having sex, though.

Michelle-- then my girlfriend-- and I hadn't seen one another in a while, and when we saw each other this particular day we didn't exactly get along for whatever reason. We were fighting with one another all day. At the end of the day however we made up and went into the-- you guessed it-- make up sex.

What was weird though was that I became very aware of the fact that she wasn't saying my name. "Oh baby! Oh honey! Oh sweetie! Oh sweet thing! Oh sugar! Oh... you wonderful beast! Oh... lover!"

After the whole day of us at each other's throats, for us to be having sex together and her not saying my name made me very self-conscious. Why exactly was she using every token of affection in the world, but not, you know, saying my name? Was she still mad at me, and this was her way of keeping her anger in, holding a grudge or something? I kept trying to persuade her into saying my name by using subtle tactics. I started repeating her name over and over again. "Michelle! Oh yeah, Michelle! You like that, Michelle? God, I've wanted this all day-- Michelle!" And she'd just retort with "Yeah baby doll! Oh, this is fantastic-- you stud!"

So in the middle of it all, I said "Baby, go ahead and say my name."

You know in movie trailers, whenever somebody says something awkward, there's this record scratching to a hault? That's what happened here. "What?" she said, appalled, everything coming to a screeching hault. "What did you just say? Did you just ask me to say your name?"

It's not as if those were my exact words, "Fuckin' say my name, bitch!" but uhm, yeah, I kinda did ask her to say my name. But I had a really good reason! My radar had long since retired itself-- we were comfortable with each other! Why should I have to worry about things like that anymore?
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 Post script: To go full circle with the first paragraph above, halfway through writing this, my 4 year old called out for me to come wipe her butt because she was done going poop. While I was writing about sex.
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on this day last year a random thought about how i wish i had a lot of cocaine.
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with love from CRS @ 11:55 AM 

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