CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
Profile continued . . .

ARCHIVES!
Bringing a Step Parent Into Your Kids' Lives

Sunday, January 21, 2007

this entry brought to you by cold war kids, "we used to vacation"


I don't know if I mentioned this before, but if it's one thing that my mother didn't do that I'm glad about, it's introduce some man into my life and force me to live with him. My mom had boyfriends, sure, but I rarely met them, and when I did, it was only when my mom was sure the relationship was at a level where I could meet them. But what I've seen far too many parents do is introduce strange men-- "boyfriends"-- to their kids, then wonder why their children are uncomfortable with the new guy, or worse, marry, forcing the kid to live with the all-dreaded "step dad". I don't know why single parents think they have to get married, despite the fact that they have children from a previous relationship that are old enough to know this new guy isn't dad, and this new guy sucks. Shouldn't your children be your priority over some dude? Shouldn't their comfort and their emotional well-being be more important than your desire to nest again? Why can't a parent just date someone until the children are old enough to have either moved out or not care, instead of asking him to move in and exist with a bunch of people that don't like him?

I knew a woman when I was 18 or so. She was a friend of a friend, in her mid twenties, had three lovely girls who nonetheless all had psychological problems. I can't remember her name honestly, but I remember the girls' names, Kelly, Kristen, and Keely, and I often babysat them. I wasn't very close to the mom. The mother was dating a guy, I remember he had a name like one of Barbie's boyfriends would be named, something like Chad. When I knew them, the mother was engaged to Chad, and he was supposed to be moving in with them soon, was currently waiting for his lease at another apartment complex to run out. In fact, he'd already started to familiarize the apartment. He was this tall beefcake Fabio looking dude, complete with long, flowing blonde hair, and he was an artist, and had painted a mural on her front wall that was really quite gorgeous. And the girls universally hated him. I remember once Kristen was asking her mother if I'd be baby-sitting that night, and her mother said "No honey, actually Chad's going to be over tonight to babysit." Kristen rolled her eyes and let out a loud, distressed groan, and called out to her sister, "Kelly! Chad's babysitting tonight!" I could hear Kelly groaning in the other room.

I wasn't very close with their mother, really I started babysitting them because I was a friend of a friend and I was over a lot when my friend was babysitting them, so this wasn't a subject I broached a lot. But when Kristen left the room after groaning I looked up at their mother and said, "You know... The girls don't really like Chad. At all." And that was kind of an understatement. When their mother wasn't around the girls would go on and on about how they didn't like him, all the specific things they didn't like about him. But really what it came down to was these three girls had a comfort zone in their house with their mother, and here was this guy invading their territory, popping their comfort bubble. Who would want that? It's not as if I could blame them. I didn't want to get into the psychology of it because it wasn't my place; after all, I was just the babysitter-- a friend of a friend. Their mother sighed and said "I know. But they'll get used to him."

I thought this was the most ridiculous idea I could think of. What was so important to bring this guy into their lives just so they can get used to him?

It was sometime in December. I was over with my friend that had introduced me to them in the kitchen talking, and their mother was in the living room with Chad and the girls. Chad had discovered the girls had gotten into the Christmas presents and had called them into the living room. They gathered in front of him and he squatted down to talk to them at eye level, and in a calm, even voice, told them that they knew better than to get into the Christmas presents, that they were old enough to know this was bad, and that he was going to have to take the presents back to the store as punishment. The thing is, I didn't like Chad that much either. He didn't seem like a bad guy, but he was aloof and way too cocky. I couldn't help looking at him and thinking she was attracted to him because he looked like a Chippendale's dancer-- the fact that he was an artist just clinched it for her-- a Chippendale's dancer that had the sensitive heart of a painter? Where could you go wrong? Still, I didn't hate him, he seemed fine, and as I watched this from him, I thought everything he was doing was exactly what he should be doing. He'd been dating their mother for over a year at that point, was engaged to be married to their mother, and would be moving in within six months. For all intents and purposes, this was their new father, and here he was, taking charge, and doing a fatherly duty. Everything seemed perfectly fine and in place.

I looked up at their mother, and was surprised to see a really defensive look on her face. "Don't talk to my children that way," she snapped.

He looked up at her, completely befuddled. "I just--"

"Don't talk to my kids that way," she repeated.

My friend and I slinked out the door, knowing that what we were witnessing was, well, awkward.

Here we had a mother prepared to force her girls to "get used" to their soon-to-be-father, and yet she wasn't even comfortable enough with him to allow him to discipline her children, which I felt he was completely within his rights to do considering the point in the relationship this occurred. In fact, up until the point where she snapped at him, I was actually proud to see how well this guy I didn't like and I knew the girls didn't like was handling being a father figure. It actually gave me hope that the girls perhaps would grow to respect him. His voice was calm but firm, and the girls were reacting the way they should-- head down, ashamed, as if an authority figure was disciplining them, rather than rebelling and saying, "We don't have to listen to you! You're not our dad!" And yet here she was, in full view of her children, berating him for daring to, you know, do his job, and basically, in essence, saying to them, you don't have to listen to Chad when he disciplines you.

I don't know why parents do this kind of thing. I don't know why she couldn't just be happy dating the guy. This was years ago of course, the oldest of the daughters is about 19 years old now, it makes me wonder if the mother and Chad ever actually went through with it and got married. I honestly hope they didn't, but knowing how people are, they most likely did. And then got divorced a few years later. And then she probably got married again.
-----



yesterday, last year it might surprise you, but i enjoy good conversations. in case you couldn't tell from my 1,500 word entries.

on this day last year i actually decided that i wanted to go to mardi gras. didn't go, but it's the thought that counts.
-----

with love from CRS @ 8:55 PM 

0 Comments:

Post a Comment