Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
Profile continued . . .


Monday, July 22, 2013

this entry brought to you by black rebel motorcycle club, "ain't no easy way"

WASHINGTON-- At 8:14 AM Eastern time, President Obama was holding a press conference that was to update the nation on the administration's communications with a post Mohammed Morsi Egypt. Instead, in an event that shocked the nation, it was interrupted by a portal that ripped a hole through time and space out from which emerged a future version of Edward Snowden, wearing strange, neon clothes, and had an erratic haircut that could only be described as "futuristic".

Saying that he hadn't meant to interrupt the President, Snowden announced that he had traveled from the year 2023 with an urgent message for the American people, that "the NSA is totally bitchin'."

"In the year 2013," said Snowden, whose clothes emitted strange beeping noises, "I was completely wrong about the government's involvement in the collection of communication data of the entire country. It turns out spying on the American people and monitoring the metadata on all emails and phone calls across the country might not be constitutional, but it's totally awesome, and anyone who doubts it in the future is seen as a total dweeb. And like, totally, nobody in the future wants to be a dweeb"

Snowden took a moment to drink the entirety of a can of Pepsi Zoom 10, a soda that does not currently exist, stating that Pepsi is the choice of all the most important pop culture figures in the future.

"Spying on the American people might seem totally bogus," said Snowden, "but it turns out that it has completely prevented all terrorist attacks in the future. Not just on American soil, but anywhere. Including Maxxghanistan, a country that was created after the US occupation of Afghanistan that's a lot like that country, only Exxtreme to the Maxx (tm)"

Snowden, who explained that 80's slang such as "gnarly" and "bodacious" had made such a strong comeback in the future that even future-President Jonathon Taylor Thomas used it in his State of the Union Address, has said that not only had the NSA's spying program been successfully ramped up, but also that the TSA now requires every flight to be completely nude, and passengers are required to have random cavity searches in his utopian future, but that "There hasn't been a single bomb anywhere not dropped by a drone-- which is pretty Badical, all of us in the future agree. Riding in planes knowing no one will hijack it is such a relief, and also, you can make fun of naked foreign people."

"Everybody is a supermodel is 2023, you can have sex with as many alien babes as you want, Xbox games are played in your mind, and people are regularly dragged out of their homes in the middle of the night for committing thought crimes and reprogrammed," said the whistle blower after Insta-Tweet-Vine-Facing on his mobile communicator from the future. "As much as I thought it was totally gnarly and creepy when I uncovered it in your primitive time, I've totally been proven wrong. After all, if it weren't for the NSA, we wouldn't have these bitchin' Reebok sneakers that automatically tie themselves, never get wet, and have a GPS locator to report where you walk at all times!"

Edward Snowden, neither hero of the people nor villain as has been said in the press, announced that he had to return back to his own time before the Time Rippers followed him through the extra dimensional wormholes that had been left open by his presence, adding that while the NSA has prevented all terrorist attacks from happening, the country is at war with Eurasia in the future, and has always been at war with Eurasia.

The time traveling possible traitor to his country then put on a set of most triumphant sunglasses, said "Party on, Dudes," while doing a slow, air-guitar-like salute, and teleported away.

At press time, MSNBC, CNN, and FOX News have spent the entirety of their on-air coverage discussing why Snowden hadn't explained where, exactly, he had teleported from in the future, and if the time teleporter used had been made in Russia or China.

with love from CRS @ 2:02 PM 


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