Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
Profile continued . . .


Thursday, July 04, 2013

this entry brought to you by blood red shoes, "cold"

During any given hour, 17% of all American women are twerking.

America regrets having that nosejob back in '03, and now feels that its original nose gave it character.

America does not, however, regret getting its boobjob, which it flaunts every chance it gets.

Historians are already market testing the hilarious and adorable Dizzy, America's first cartoon President, who beat Al Gore in the 2000 election. This is to erase the embarrassment of George W. Bush.

Ben Franklin originally wanted the national bird to be the turkey, because he thought it was a noble bird. He also wanted the national drink to be turkey semen. Listen, you don't want to know how much this guy was into turkeys.

Watching the Miss America Pageant should qualify you as a sex offender, but it doesn't.

There's a specific impish devil who, when you say his name backwards, will make your country oafish, indignant, hostile, become obsessed with football, and will make test grades slump. Why did mention this? Because eat my asshole, America best country!

LBJ's middle name was Bane. Bane!!

Corn doesn't really have a smell, but if it did, driving across America would be a lot less boring.

In the deepest, darkest part of uncivilized Louisiana, there's a restaurant where, if you say the right word, you will be a served a plate of meat that is synthetically bio engineered to taste exactly like imitation human meat. But it's a scam they pull on tourists-- it's actually synthetically bio engineered spotted owl meat mixed with tiger penis.

80% of Americans think they're going to heaven. If you don't think that there's a joke there, just take a walk down any American street. You'll quickly figure out why that's hilarious.

We have ladies that participate in something called Extreme Couponing. If you manage to bring one of them to orgasm, you'll have good luck for seven years.

If you put all the homeless people in America in one area, they would fill 23 football stadiums. If you had sex with an entire football stadium full of homeless people, it would make a pretty cool website.

Foreigners: If you cross an ex-stripper, be sure she doesn't spit on you or pull any of your hair out. Otherwise, if you find yourself slowly being erased from existence or "thinning", you know you've had an ex-stripper's curse put on you.

America invented the entire concept of having sex for pleasure. Before this country was founded, people only had sex to cure the boredom that came in the six months between freezing to death and getting heatstroke.

Lady Justice and The Statue of Liberty have repeatedly denied being in a relationship, but c'mon, who the fuck are they fooling?

America doesn't actually have millions of FBI agents listening in on all of your phone calls, that would be ridiculous. It's just collecting all of the datas on you. So it's not so much a Big Brother as it is that guy you knew in high school who never had the balls to ask you out, but Googles you every month to see if you're still married to that asshole.

If you think about it, hotdogs and beer are a pretty dumb way to celebrate our Independence. The most patriotic thing you can do is drink coffee all day in between chugging clam chowder and vomiting on a Union Jack. Also, fireworks are Chinese, so families should gather around and watch gangbang pornography to celebrate our freedom of hardcore, penetrative speech.

with love from CRS @ 2:48 PM 


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