CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
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Howard The Duck Was a Fucking Confusing Movie

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

this entry brought to you by portishead, "magic doors"





This is a bit difficult to explain to younger people, but there was a point in time when movies making their network television premiere on television was a huge deal. Networks would advertise for weeks that a big blockbuster movie could be seen on your television! Even in the days of HBO, this was still a huge deal because you were getting to watch an edited, censored movie in prime time without having to pay for a premium cable subscription.

Howard the Duck came out in 1986, and I was only seven years old. I remember seeing commercials for it on TV and thinking it looked awesome, and was too young to know that the movie was a flop. It got its network television premiere probably around 1988, when I was nine years old, and it was a huge deal. The day afterward everyone I knew had seen it, and it was all anybody talked about.

Now, again, I was nine. And Howard the Duck had absolutely everything a nine year old would want to see. An awesome duck main character (who still looks pretty amazing) with a rude crude attitude. It had awesome monster villains. It had an incredibly sexy lady in it who is in her underwear during a part. All the ingredients for awesome.

My friends and I were all talking excitedly about it, except we kept getting confused and having questions. We'd laugh about one part and then almost immediately afterward have questions. "Ha ha ha, that part was awesome when that happened! Except, uh. So why did that part happen?" The aliens were so cool! But uh. Why didn't they just turn off the laser that was beaming them from space? For some reason all the parts were there, but we couldn't put our fingers on what was missing.

Nothing in the movie exemplified this like the almost-sex scene between Lea Thompson and Howard the Duck. On the one hand, there was an almost naked girl deliciously being sexy, and I had a boner. Except it was a horrified, confused boner. Even in 1988 at the age of nine, seeing a hot-ass actress being hot, I couldn't enjoy it, because she was about to make out with a goddamn duck. Even though I had no idea about how sex worked, let alone the implications of duck penis plus human female vagina, it was wrong on all levels. Please continue being half naked, I thought, but please stop everything else. You are ruining me.

So as we stood around our apartment complex being extremely enthusiastic about this movie yet continually hitting brick walls, this older kid, who was maybe 14 or 15 came out of his apartment.

"Hey. You guys talking about Howard the Duck? That movie fucking sucked."

That was it! That was what none of us could articulate! Howard the Duck sucked ass!
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with love from CRS @ 1:35 PM 

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