Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
Profile continued . . .


Monday, April 01, 2013

this entry brought to you by bat for lashes, "a wall"

Subscribe to a series of gay porn magazines under your friend's name and address. That way he will be humiliated knowing all of his neighbors think he jacks off to magazines, rather than to gay porn sites on the Internet, like normal homosexuals.

Replace your female friend's favorite lubricant with Italian Salad Dressing so she will be forced to describe the burning sensation she will feel to a doctor as "Zesty".

Co-worker thinks he's a badass? He won't after you let loose a bonobo infected with gonorrhea in his car.

Convince your kids that the moon is an optical illusion and isn't actually there. That'll teach 'em to have a curiosity about the world around them.

Fake a head injury and head to a strip club. The strippers will feel so much sympathy for you, one of them will definitely call you an ambulance.

If your friend leaves his phone on the table when he goes to the bathroom, grab it, and replace his wallpaper with a picture of you having sex with his sister. If he didn't want that, he wouldn't leave his sister laying around.

If you're stuck in a boring conversation or in a dull meeting, start slowly rubbing your nipples. If the person asks what you're doing, say "I'm sorry, you're just turning me on so much."

Drown your neighbor's pet. If they get upset, explain to them that at least they can rest easy knowing their pet was not a witch.

Tell a joke that you know will not get laughs. When no one thinks it's funny, light yourself on fire. You can be sure they will laugh at everything from now on.

Testifying in court? When you put your hand on the Bible and they ask you to tell the truth, the thole truth, and nothing but the truth, say "I do," then lie the whole time. C'mon, they know what fucking day it is.

If you're a teen, in PE, write a note that you know your coach will intercept that says "I bet Coach gets lots of pussy." This will make your coach upset, because he knows that he does not get lots of pussy, but he can't send you to the principal's office because then all the other coaches will think he's gay.

Get a teen addicted to heroin. Maybe now their asshole, career-obsessed parents will actually pay attention to them.

Invite everyone over for an April Fool's Day party. When they all arrive, you're not there, and it's just an empty house with no party supplies. Also, tear gas.

Put a giant "Hug Me" sign on someone you know. They'll get so many hugs they'll actually start to think they're a decent human being that other people like and can relate to. April Fool's!

Neighbor parked under a tree? Shit on their car and say a bird did it. Like, a really huge bird.

with love from CRS @ 7:14 PM 


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