Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
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How I Felt Every Valentine's Day in Grade School

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

this entry brought to you by saul williams, "sunday bloody sunday"

Back in Elementary school, when Valentine's day was coming, you'd go and buy a box of valentines. Let's say it had 24 cards in it. It would have six different variations, and about four of every variation. Generally half were gender neutral, and the other half for the opposite sex. So if you bought a box of Michael Jordan valentines, you'd get one of Michael Jordan standing there, smiling, and it would say "Hope your Valentine's day really DUNKS!" That was meant for other boys. But then there'd be one of Michael Jordan flying up in the air, tongue sticking out, and it would say "Valentine, you really TAKE IT TO THE HOOP!" And this was obviously for girls.

So that leaves three varieties for boys, and three varieties for girls, and the three different varieties tended to go from neutral to intense. The "Take it to the Hoop!" might be a low-grade valentine for the opposite sex, but a super intense one would be "Valentine, You Make My Heart Throw a THREE POINT SHOT!" And there'd be one between the two, that was like, "I'd Never Be BENCHED for you, Valentine!" The gender neutral ones were like this as well, going from degrees of "You are a boy in my class" to "best friend" level.

So let's say there were 21 kids in my class. I'd immediately toss three of the intense female-centric one, and I'd have the remaining one be my crush. Then from there I'd scrutinize carefully. Well, I really hate this girl, I'd say. so she gets a 'Takes it to the Hoop'. So-and-so was a sort of in betweener, a girl that was really cute, but she had braces. And I'd do the same for the boys, going down the list of my best friends who would get the best guy-centric ones, to guys I hated, who would get Michael Jordan sitting on the toilet.

And Valentine's day, I'd confidently go from table to table, placing my Valentines with love, like a Valentine delivering wood elf.

And when I went through my haul, clearly absolutely nobody else in my class gave a shit at all and simply went down the list alphabetically, because Nick, my bitter rival, gave me a Super Mario saying "I'd Save-a You From Bowser Anyday, Princess!", a card that was clearly meant for a girl. And I would be utterly fooling myself if the prettiest girl in my class really "Choo-choo-" chose me. Call it a wild hunch.

This pissed me off to no end. Did you ever exchange mix tapes with someone in high school or college, and spend hours making everything flow together, making sure no song-to-song transition was jarring, but that it also had a good pace that went from the good fast parts to the slow introspective parts and back to the fast again? And you picked all the songs that had a solid theme? And they give you their mix tape, and it's clearly just a bunch of songs thrown together with no rhyme or reason at all? And at one point the last 10 seconds of the previous song are stuck on the beginning, and the last song cuts off half way through because they didn't bother timing it right?

That's how I felt every fucking Valentines day.

with love from CRS @ 7:10 PM 


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