Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
Profile continued . . .


Monday, January 28, 2013

this entry brought to you by sleigh bells, "infinity guitar"

SKEETERWOOD-- After a massacre over the weekend ending in the deaths of fourteen police officers, Sheriff Joseph Mattson of SkeeterWood, VA, has said he is changing the faith-based crime-fighting initiative that started on January 1st, 2013.

Stating that Skeeterwood was a Christian community, and that the Lord God was above all of man's laws and regulations, Sheriff Mattson ran a campaign in 2012 promising, if elected, any officer would be required to replace his firearm with a bible. When confronted in a situation where deadly force must be used, the officer was to read scripture at him until God judged him guilty and struck him down.

"At first I was startled and shocked that this system did not work, and that so many police officers were dying in Skeeterwood," said Mattson, "but after consulting the Word and praying intently over the past twenty four hours, I've realized that it's not that God was not protecting my officers, but that I had misinterpreted the message of the Holy Book."

Mattson's mistake came to him in prayer when the Lord revealed to him what was wrong with his initial thinking.

"I realized," the Sheriff told reporters, "what is it that bullets do? They penetrate the bodies of men. Just like homosexuals. All bullets are homosexual, and the only defense against homosexuals is the Bible."

Mattson revealed that his new plan, effective immediately, states that every officer in his jurisdiction will wear armor made entirely of copies of The King James Bible. "If a criminal will not be subdued by non-lethal force, we will infect him with homosexuality until he dies. But if that criminal attempts to infect any officer of the law with homosexuality, we already have the best defense: The Literal and Complete Word of the Creator."

Added Mattson, "If I really believe this stuff, there's no harm in putting my money where my mouth is, instead of just empty, hypocritical gestures like putting the 10 Commandments up in public places and insisting that children get to pray in school, right?"

Sheriff Mattson did not comment on the multiple photographs taken of him walking into a hotel with a shirtless Gap model, stating only that "My wife is the only shirtless, glistening, delicious Gap model a good Christian Man would ever need."

with love from CRS @ 2:38 PM 


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