Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
Profile continued . . .

The 24 Hour Long Bus Trip

Friday, November 16, 2012

this entry brought to you by nirvana, "you know you're right"

It was 1998, and it was the day before Christmas Eve. I was taking the Greyhound bus to Phoenix from Sacramento, and it was an entire 24 hour trip ride. If you can afford to fly, I recommend it. The 24 hour bus ride was miserable.

I don't remember what city we were in, but I remember it was a major stop. It was past midnight, and was officially Christmas Eve. Something happened to the bus we were going to ride on, they had to combine two bus rides, meaning the bus was going to be completely full, and those past the three quarter mark in line would have to wait until 4am for the next bus.

I was lucky enough that I didn't have to wait another three hours in the middle of the night in a bus station. I was unlucky enough however to be near the end of the cut off point, and this bus was going to be full. We all slowly shuffled in, and by the time I got on the bus every single seat was completely full all the way back, until the second-to-last seat on the right. There was a gorgeous, sexy redhead with an empty seat next to her, and then two empty seats on the left at the very back.

Every part of me wanted to sit next to her, but I just couldn't be that guy. I couldn't be the guy who crowded next to a hot-ass redhead when there was an empty seat right next to her. Yes, there are guys out there who would do that. Those guys are douchebags. And besides, it was 12:30 in the morning and I'd already been riding for 12 hours, I wasn't quick thinking enough to be able to come in with a line like "I'd rather take my chances with you than sit over there and risk sitting next to some weirdo."

So on the empty seat I sat. And the guy behind me sat next to her, which made complete sense. If I'd've been literally one person behind in line, the seat that would have made the most sense in the world would have been next to the redhead, and I don't just mean from a young man's perspective, I mean from a person's perspective. If you've ever sat on the last seat in a bus, your back is to a wall, so you can't recline. So the only two choices for the guy behind me was the seat that could recline, and a seat that could not-- and the seat that could recline just so happened to have a fucking hot redhead on it.

I was pissed at my luck, and further pissed as we rolled out of the bus station and they seemed to hit it off immediately. He seemed like a nice enough guy, but every time she laughed at his jokes I thought, I am much funnier than that guy. I am way cooler than that guy. I would kick myself, but there wasn't enough room to do it. So I just sat there and tried to put it out of my mind.

About an hour into the bus ride as they're giggling and having a grand time-- and they're talking low enough that nobody else could hear except me, being directly across from them, she got up to us the restroom.

Have you seen Fight Club? When the main character meets Tyler Durden, they're on a plane, and after a conversation where Tyler Durden completely out-cools the narrator and totally puts him in his place, Tyler gets up to use the restroom and says "Now, a question of etiquette - as I pass, do I give you the ass or the crotch?". She gave him the crotch, and as she did so, she leaned over, putting just a hair's breadth between her and her voluptuous, overflowing cleavage.

And, as if there were some spirit out there that wanted to make sure I could never, ever enjoy such a thing, even looking at such a thing, I then got to sit there and listen to her take a massive shit, as my back was to the toilet. And just so you know, the bus was filled with enough people lowly chit-chattering, the bus was rattling as buses do, and the heater was on as this was midnight on Christmas Eve, so there was enough white noise that I was the only person who got to hear this.

It's about 2 o'clock now, and the bus is asleep. I look around and everyone has gotten as comfortable as they possibly can, ear phones in, trying to sleep. Except these two. She's giving him a blowjob.

Now, listen. The reality is, I've always, always wanted to watch a hot woman give a man a blowjob in real life. And if you've ever been in a bus, the seats are angled in such a way that you really can't see anyone but the people directly across from you, so this was like a show directly for me. And I'm not going pretend that the moment she pressed her boobs in his face I didn't think I hope they start doing it. So part of me was like, Yes! It's happening! But there was also a very real part of me who was super pissed that this was just me looking at an unbelievable girl doing an unbelievably hot thing, when if I'd been one person back in line, this wouldn't be some entry on a blog, this would have been a Letter to Penthouse. Especially as they moved on to more elaborate things-- things that wouldn't be elaborate in any place other than a bus. What's the equivalent of the Mile High Club when you're just three or four feet off the ground?

So yes. I got a sympathy erection. But I was also pissed at my luck. Fuck this guy. I was certainly funnier and more charming than him. And I was probably also better looking. This was just a dude. Not particularly good looking. And not cool at all. What did he have that I didn't have? A place behind me in line. That's what he had. Son of a bitch.

4 o'clock rolled around, and we took a rest stop at some fucking dust town, and off we unloaded into a small station with a Burger King, bathrooms, and a shitty gift shop. And after I relieved my bowels and walked out, I saw the two of them, holding hands, and she pointed at some bullshit trinket and said "Honey, we should get that! Look at that!"

And his eyes, he was a defeated, shell of a man, a lost, distant look in his eyes. It was more than just tired. He looked bleary, utterly uncertain what had just happened over the previous four hours. Honey seemed to sting in his ears as loudly as it did in mine. My mother told me about chicks like this, he seemed to be saying. Mom, how could I have said no? How could I have known you'd be right??

Maybe, I thought, maybe this was a good thing that I was one person ahead of him in line. Maybe these things work out the way they do for a reason. Maybe I am more charming, and maybe that would mean she would be that much more freakishly attached. This guy will be able to lose her. Maybe she'd be following me all the way across the country because I am charming.

When the trip was over and we made it to our destination, he had sunglasses on, and seemed to be actively ignoring her, despite her being draped on his shoulder, like she was an imaginary devil whispering in his ear, a monkey on his back, and he was saying to himself, "Just ignore it, it's not there, remember what happened last time you listened."

with love from CRS @ 10:01 AM 


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