Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
Profile continued . . .


Sunday, October 07, 2012

this entry brought to you by the white stripes, "icky thump"

JUAREZ-- Drug Kingpin, warlord, and suspected murderer of dozens, Osvaldo Almazan De La Vara died peacefully in his sleep this Saturday, losing a completely uninteresting battle with leukemia that he had suffered from for four years, rather than dying in an awesome gunfight against a clever and handsome rival.

Last known photo of Osvaldo Almazan De La Vara.

Looking neither frightening enough, nor devilishly handsome enough to be capable of all the horrors and atrocities, De La Vara rose through the ranks of being a horrible bad guy, initially being a mere smuggler of marijuana and Ecstasy across the border to America, later becoming a hitman for a local cartel. He was flamboyant and cruel, and should have quickly gotten the attention of an ambitious rookie cop out to clean the streets of scumbags like him, but there were far too many flamboyant, cruel killers in Mexico at the time for him to receive more attention than any other.

It was during his mid-career that he unrepentantly killed an innocent man, one Sergio Almazan Nieto, mistaking him for a target. Nieto's only son, Jorge Alfonso, swore vengeance on De La Vara, joined the local police force, became disillusioned with the corruption and inefficiency of the system, and became a one man army, willing to deal out bitchin' justice that the system was incapable of dealing.

However, rather than taking out De La Vara in an awesome fight to the finish where the villain would be told a clever one liner immediately before being dispatched in an ironic and utterly awesome twist, Jorge Alfonso Nieto only became embittered and drowned his sorrows in alcohol.

Raising to the ranks of kingpin (or "super villain", as the locals referred to him), Osvaldo Almazan De La Vara was responsible for the deaths of hundreds, and more than likely killed many himself, and effected many more by ruining villages, raping, and destroying the lives of innocents, merely to show his enemies that he was one not to be trifled with, and paid attention to no man's rules in his quest for power and money.

Those horribly impacted by him would take solace believing that De La Vara was a lonely man who never truly knew friendship or love, and died a shallow husk of a life, except that De La Vara was happily married to a wife and child who he kept away from his work, and was, to his family, a good father and provider. Were some Dark Avenger to arrive and show them who he really was, the family could learn to make sure that these horrible atrocities never happened again, to somehow right the wrongs of De La Vara, but that has yet to happen and likely never will.

Although all rights in the universe dictate that Osvaldo Almazan De La Vara should have awesomely fallen from a 50 story building to his doom while screaming the name of his enemy; or while holding onto a missle and shot into a building, creating an awesome explosion that somehow hurts no innocents; or riddled with bullets by a grizzled, highly trained special forces team, each with a unique personality quirk; or at the very least blasted like a bitch by a wise-crackin' sidekick just after having our hero on the ropes; De La Vara's heart merely gave out after his bones were riddled with cancer, a death thousands of people who are not evil give in to.

In a final cruel twist of fate, there is no god, and De La Vara will not burn for eternity in a lake of fire and will instead be buried in a plot along side other, non-raping, non-pillaging people.

with love from CRS @ 4:25 PM 


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