Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
Profile continued . . .


Monday, August 13, 2012

this entry brought to you by nine inch nails, "memorabilia"

ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WASHINGTON-- After secretly removing the second amendment from the Constitution of America in a parallel dimension, Alternate Universe Barack Obama says that he is surprised at how long it is taking to remove all the guns from American citizens.

"When you hear that there are more guns in America than people, you know that's a lot of guns," said Barack Obama B in a press conference today. "But really, you have no idea how many guns that is. It's a staggering amount."

The Alternate Universe President had originally intended on taking away America's guns in his first term, in order to declare martial law, round up Republicans in FEMA death camps, and win a second election by default, but the plan is going much slower than expected.

The President also further admitted that not only had the administration grossly underestimated the sheer amount of guns in the country, but they had also not calculated how unwilling people would be to relinquish their guns in order to live under tyrannical oppression.

Cigarette Booze And Fireweapon agents (the alternate dimension's equivalent to our "ATF Agents") started on the east coast and have worked their way through the eastern states, wearing brightly colored uniforms indicating who they are, driving easily distinguished vehicles, and knocking on doors, asking politely to hand over all guns. The Alternate Obama Administration assumed that by now they would have made it all the way to Colorado; however, the CBF has only progressed to Wisconsin.

"We had initially thought," said the Nega-President, "that if the CBF agents were really polite, Americans would just hand over their guns. It turns out that we could not have been more wrong."

CBF agents have, to date, had over 34,000 violent shootouts with gun owners, sometimes leading to stand-offs that last for days, which is a result absolutely no one could have predicted. Alternate Universe President Barack Obama had stated his intentions to secretly remove the second amendment during the campaign of 2008, and had told constituents repeatedly in the days between election and inauguration that gun owners should probably "get prepared while you still can." The President said he hadn't anticipated Americans in this other, different America would prepare themselves by buying even more guns of higher, more lethal power.

Agents have completely given up on attempting to take the guns of one Eric Risher, of Burlingstead, PA, as a stand-off with him seems insurmountable. Reports have shown that Risher had owned twelve guns as of 2006, but when he heard Barack Obama had been elected President of the Alternate Universe USA, went out and bought five more, which has been designated simply too many to overcome. Risher's property will be designated a sovereign nation, after hundreds of CBF agents were killed by this one citizen as they attempted to enter his house and take his fireweapons.

"This plan seems completely ineffective and foolishly planned," admitted Alternate Universe Obama. "I don't know why we're using CBF agents anyway, when we've got unmanned drones that can be piloted remotely to simply blow up all the gun owners without any warning instead of sending so many agents to their needless deaths."

"In hindsight, it also seems stupid to have started in the north and worked our way down to the south while moving westward," added the "Evil" Barack Obama, who can be distinguished from our Barack Obama because he wears an "evil" goatee.

Still, the President of America B has promised that while his initial timeline of removing all gun owner's weapons will not be met by November, he remains undeterred.

"After the assassination of Alternate Universe Kennedy, America still somehow managed to keep its right to bear arms. After the attempted assassination of President Reagan B, American citizens still had their second Amendment. Even President Parallel Dimension Bill Clinton only managed to pass the Alternate Brady Bill, which only made common sense restriction laws. If none of these other Presidents could ever remove gun rights despite constant, fevered warnings that Democrats are coming for your guns for several generations, well, of course I've got to be the one to finally do it," said Alternate Universe Barack Obama. "Because I'm the black one."

The President ended the press conference by saying, "Me am so happy, me want to cry."

with love from CRS @ 11:31 AM 


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