Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
Profile continued . . .


Wednesday, July 04, 2012

this entry brought to you by nine inch nails, "the hand that feeds"

America smells 17% fresher on average than any other country. It still has that New Country smell.

Did you know America invented such diverse things as firecrackers, the guillotine, flamenco dancing, and the Higgs Boson? It's true. Doubt me all you like. Listen, you don't have to be an asshole about it. Fucking look it up on Wikipedia if you think you're so fucking right. Check in like, 5 minutes. Actually, make that 20.

James Polk had sex with so many women it is estimated that 1 in 7 Americans are related to him.

Abraham Lincoln only had sex with one woman; his wife. But he had sex with her 1.3 million times. You try doing that while emancipating the slaves.

America's first black mayor, Goldie Wilson, opened up many doors for race in politics, even though he was pretty awful at his job. Still, that's what we get for electing a guy based entirely off his campaign slogan, "Don't you like the sound of 'Mayor Goldie Wilson?'"

After "The Star Spangled Banner", it was free blowjobs everywhere Francis Scott Key went. Of course, this was before prostitutes thought to charge for that particular act.

The national bird was almost the undead vulture that shoots lasers from its eyes, but the bald eagle was chosen because it was "actually a real thing".

Back before there were cars, the streets were literally paved with gold. Not that you could tell from all the horse shit.

The gap between America's wealthiest and the least wealthy is larger in than in any other country. But the gap between the ugliest chicks and the best looking chicks is the smallest than in any other country. Wait, does that even make sense?

America once had sex with your mom, but it was a very gentle lover.

In 1998, congress narrowly voted against changing the national anthem to Bustah Rhymes' "Woo-Hah!! Got You All in Check".

George Washington was the founding fathers' first choice to be our first president, but he wasn't their only choice. If Washington had turned the job down, they would've chosen between James Madison; Barnabus Smith, the fattest man in all thirteen colonies; and Big Jake, a drunken asshole xenophobe who personally strangled three Natives in their sleep.

All of the founding fathers were bisexual, or at least bi-curious. Come on. If they weren't doing at least a little fooling around, would it really have taken a hundred days to write the Constitution? It was hot, and humid, and miserable. These guys had to let off steam somehow.

Officially, America recognizes no religion. Unofficially, America recognizes one: that of Ouroboros, the eternal God, who will encircle and blot out the sun in the end days, destroying the universe in his eternal self-consumption.

America might make fun of its little sister, Canada, but it secretly wishes they weren't related so it could totally get to second base guilt-free.

with love from CRS @ 8:55 AM 


Post a Comment