CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
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The Desperation of The Victoria's Secret Wank

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

this entry brought to you by radiohead, "morning bell"


Yesterday I wrote that that I had absolutely never masturbated to a picture of a girl in a bikini. To the best of my recollection, this is true-- not even The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue. In fact, now that I am thinking about it, I'm not sure I've actually possessed a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue in my whole life.

There was, however, that one issue of Victoria's Secret.


So salacious, you can only see this kind of sexiness at every single cash register you've ever stood next to.

I was about 14, spending the week over at my friend's house because my mom was off on a business trip. I don't recall exactly why, but I was left alone this particular night; perhaps he and his parents were going to a friend's house and weren't going to be back until late and figured I would just be bored if I joined. And, as will happen when you're 14 and alone in the house of someone else late at night, it wasn't long before I was looking through the obvious spots for his parents' porn.

It didn't surprise me from this couple, but there was no porn. But there was a copy of the Victoria's Secret catalog, which I found in their bathroom.

This was the height of Victoria's Secret awareness in pop culture. Sitcoms and comedians were making jokes about being alone with the Victoria's Secret catalog constantly. It started out as a dirty little secret, hey, the Victoria's Secret catalog is sexy, your wife gets it anyway, so you just take it and sneak in your bathroom when she's not around and have a guilt-free spank. Then the joke went viral and was everywhere. Now that I'm grown up, I am completely positive this was all manufactured by the Victoria's Secret people. At the time Victoria's Secret even came in a plastic bag with a big black bar in the mail, like a copy of Penthouse.

After having searched through the house for the prior fifteen minutes, I was already half mast out of sheer anticipation, and I was disappointed that I didn't get anything more substantial, but after all the hype I figured it would do. Besides, at this point I was desperate for anything.

Remember how I said yesterday that I've never relieved myself to a picture of a girl in a bikini? The reason I've never done so is because it's fucking pathetic, even for a 14 year old boy. Victoria's Secret started off with giddy excitement, but immediately sank to indifference, then sank further to desperation. Here I was, already in the act, there was no reason to stop, but it wasn't something I was enjoying in the least bit. I was finishing despite myself, a forced challenge just because I could and would at the least been frustrated if I'd've just given up and gone to bed.

And, in record time, I sputtered out the most pathetic finish I'd had in a long time, and was filled with utter shame. I'm not the kind of person who generally has ever felt shame about this sort of thing; my mother never told me it was dirty or gross or anything, but I felt shame when I did this against my better judgement, or when I did it and didn't even get any enjoyment out of it. I even continued to flip through the magazine to see if there was actually anything worth enjoying myself that I just hadn't seen. There wasn't. It was a fucking catalog. Just like the cover said. What the hell did I expect?

Here's the thing: I could have just turned out the lights, laid in bed, and imagined all the nudity in the world to enjoy myself to. And you'd think that pictures of actual women, nude or not, would be better than your imagination, because real women are real, and imagined women are not. You would be wrong. The only thing that trumps imagined nudity is actual nudity. Imagined nudity, however, definitely trumps good-looking models smiling pleasantly while having all their important parts covered up. Hell, even a story about a nude woman would have been hotter than pictures of a non nude woman.
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with love from CRS @ 3:59 PM 

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