CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
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Catching Up On A Pair of Awesome Boobs From Fifteen Years Ago

Friday, May 11, 2012

this entry brought to you by a band of bees, "who cares what the question is?"


It might be hard to remember, but there was a point in time where you couldn't just type the word "sex" into any device that you could type on and see pictures of that act. There used to be a period of time where young boys had to get industrious to see boobies. Which isn't to say that it was difficult at all during my day, every person you knew had HBO, and all it took was waiting up past your parents going to bed, which meant boobies were just a weekend or a summer vacation away.

When I was a teenager I used to set up the VCR, would press "record" and then "pause" so it would be ready to go right away when tops started coming off. With enough experience at this, you could smell a sex scene, and how hot and heavy the sex scene was going to be just by the rhythm the scene was unfolding, even with zero context. You could switch to a station and be able to tell, oh shit, people are going to start doing it in exactly forty seconds. Like all God-fearing American boys at the age of 15, I had HBO, Showtime, Cinemax, and The Movie Channel, and would flip back and forth between them, waiting for the smell of a sex scene. When I was particularly lucky, one would happen right after the other. If I was particularly unlucky, all four would have that exact smell at the exact same time, and I would have to make a split second decision as to which one would be the hottest. Sometimes picking the one with the most beautiful woman was the wrong decision-- often in these movies the lead actress shows almost nothing, while all the supporting actresses get soft-cored all over the place.

On just such one of these nights I saw a pair of boobs that became burned into my memory. They were a perfect set, the kind that, as a sixteen year old boy, almost makes you do a double take. You knew that boobs were awesome, but how was it possible that this one pair could be this much more awesome than all the others? It wasn't just a moment of 16 year old horniness, it was a universe expanding moment, a moment that showed, if boobs could be this awesome, then anything was possible. These are the kinds of boobs that put man on the moon, the kind of boobs that split the human genome.


Well. I'm not going to show you the actual boobs. But imagine this, a second later, with totally awesome boobs.


It wasn't too long ago that I was sitting on the couch and browsing the Internet and those boobs popped into mind, as they often do. I should emphasize that I was not looking at porn at that moment. And I'm not lying about that-- it's not as if I'm hesitant to talk about looking at porn on my blog. The thing is, I had that wonder pair of breasts, and that equally beautiful woman attached to them, on VHS, from all those years ago, and they're still up in my closet because I never got around to throwing them away. I have no way of looking at this video. I lack the obsolete technology to do so. Our VCR stopped working years ago, and we never replaced it. Even seeing the occasional VHS player at a garage sale didn't seem worth dropping the dollars for just to look at old porno VHS tapes.

Still, those boobs. I have the Internet in front of me, and doing web searches nowadays isn't like doing web searches in 2002. If you remember doing web searches 10 years ago, you couldn't just type some words into it and expect to find what you were looking for if it was anything specific. You had to basically trick the search engine to find the exact thing you wanted. I remember taking a half hour to find an image of Powdered Toast Man once upon a time. Do it right now-- Google has your back so good it will know what you're searching for before you're done typing.

So here is what I knew: I knew it was a show, not a movie. I knew it was on HBO, Showtime, The Movie Channel, or Cinemax. I knew what year it was, roughly 1995-1996. I knew the plot had something to do with a rock star wanting to rent a room some place to be alone, but somehow fans found out he was there and bombarded him.

It took some digging. I had to look up every "after dark" show those channels had (Thank you, Wikipedia!), then I had to look through the episode descriptions of each show, then when I eventually found the exact right show-- she played "Candy"-- I had to find a torrent of the episode. And after about 40 minutes of searching I found her.

First of all, I should say that when you go back and look at porno you used to look at when you were a boy, it never holds up. Your tastes have just refined over the years. But in the case of this girl, I was completely delighted to find that yes, those are the exact boobs a young Chris Waites should have set to memory, they were exactly as awesome as I recalled. For example, I hate fake boobs, and it would have broken part of my childhood if I returned to them and found that they were fake and somehow tricked my 16 year old self into thinking they were nice, or if they were way too tan, or anything like that. No, these were boobs I could be proud of. Second of all, I should say that, holy fucking shit, this was an awful show. If you can imagine the worst plots of the most dull hardcore pornography imaginable, then take that, and add what is obviously supposed to be humor but isn't funny whatsoever; this was that, except it was softcore. Picturing what sort of person would actually sit through this entire show without flipping through the four premium movie channels with the VCR set on "record" and "pause" is unimaginable.

Still. Those boobs sure were nice.

Then curiosity set in. I went to her IMDB page and found that she'd only done two roles-- the role of "Candy" and one other role that wasn't nude, but was nevertheless described as "Officer Babe" in a softcore movie starring Jenna Jameson. And that was it.

This being the year 2012, however, that wasn't it. I was able to find her resume on-line within moments, and found out that she was originally from Alabama, and she has natural red hair. She was 19 when she did this role.

Here we have a Kansas girl, made it all the way out to California to make it big, and Hollywood then turned her out. Chewed her up and whored her and then shat her onto the pavement. Just like in the movies! You can almost picture this naive country girl with big dreams, trying and trying again for roles, crashing on friends couches, until, after hearing "We're not looking for a redhead, we're looking for a blonde, thank you," got to her, and she went and bleached her hair. And after too many rejections and going hungry she thought, fine, I'll show my boobs. And then, after being cast as "Officer Babe" she thought, "Oh shit, I'm a cartoon character." In fact, I think there was a Bugs Bunny episode where he makes a wrong turn at Albequerque and ends up in a casting room dressed as a woman and being told he needs to show some skin if he wants the role, then he proceeds to make the casting agent's life hell by tricking him into playing an explosive piano.

But! This story has a happy ending. She turned tail and went back to Kansas, did a few stage shows, then moved out to New York, and guess what. She has a successful career on Broadway! Sure, she's part of the chorus more often than not, according to her resume, but it's better than showing her boobs for softcore pornography on Showtime. Also, she gets to keep her hair its natural color, so that's got to count for something. Which, honestly, is extremely inspiring. Despite being worked over like some fresh faced Kansas girl and giving up her dream-- and honestly, nobody could blame her after being a set of boobs on the absolute worst late-night show on cable TV-- she still , and now she's doing the thing she wants to do for a living. And how many of us have the humility to quit but the drive to keep going, but maybe taking a slightly different direction?

Incidentally, "Officer Babe" and "Candy" were not on her current resume.
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with love from CRS @ 1:53 PM 

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