CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
Profile continued . . .

ARCHIVES!
TIPS TO GET YO DICK WET THIS VALENTINE'S DAY!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

this entry brought to you by nirvana, "sonofagun"


Approach a woman and shout "Oh my god your hair's on fire!", and while she's screaming and grabbing at her head, immediately perform cunnilingus on her. It works every time.

A game of Erotic Battleship can itself be used as delicious foreplay.

This Valentine's Day, become the object of your affection's best friend. This will lead to her having sex with you seven or eight years from now after a terrible break up with yet another long term boyfriend, after which she will immediately tell you it was a mistake and she liked the way things were before. But it'll all be worth it, right?

If your Valentine is apprehensive about you having sex with her, ease her by telling her you'll use "just the tip". Sex is safer that way!

Use a little romantic music to get her in the mood. Try imitating the hypnotic bass drops of dubstep with your mouth. If this doesn't work, tell her to imagine what this would sound like if Al Green were doing it.

Valentine got a restraining order against you? Get yourself arrested by breaking it. This year, your Valentine's gift can be the reassurance that the legal system does work! Bonus: You can have all sorts of Valentine's day sex in jail! Well. One sort, really.

If you manage to get into a Valentine's Day fuck fest, don't worry about your Valentine getting jealous of you spending more time with a stranger than with her. You can deal with that tomorrow. For now, it's a Valentine's Day fuck fest!

Take your Valentine and go to the Valentine's Day wing of your local hospital to see all the horrible Valentine's Day related injuries to find out what not to do. Make sure you do your research before trying something as dangerous as Valentine's Day!

A hooker will probably feel uncomfortable if you ask her to be your Valentine, but really, she should just be happy you're not a Japanese businessman that is tying her up and shitting on her.

A five dollar hooker will definitely want to be your Valentine, because with her looks, she hasn't been spoken to directly since 1987.

Surprise your sweetie by spending a week's pay check on boutique birth control pills. She'll be the talk of all her friends when they find out she uses the same pills as a princess. If you break up with your girlfriend, make sure you get them from her and give them to your next girlfriend. That shit is too expensive to just let her pawn them.

Go to the club and roofie a girl's drink. Then take her to a shelter and wait. When she wakes up, tell her someone roofied her drink and you fought him to death, after which you took her to this shelter so she could be safe. She will be so impressed with your chivalry that she'll have sex with you. (Warning: If you have sex with her while she's under the influence of the roofie, you're a fucking asshole.)
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with love from CRS @ 10:54 AM 

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