CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
Profile continued . . .

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The Terror of the FUCKSAW!!!

Saturday, February 11, 2012

this entry brought to you by arcade fire, "half light 1"





I have a female friend who I don't chat with very often who nevertheless sent me a link to the above contraption, called a "Fucksaw", and wrote "I need you to talk me out of buying this right now."

I responded that she has a mother somewhere, that's why she shouldn't buy it. You know. Because it was a joke. Nobody buys the Fucksaw. It's a joke. The reason sex shops put this kind of stuff out in the middle of the store is because it's there to make you laugh and go wow, isn't that fucked up. It's there to say, yes, this is fucked up, and if someone invented something this spectacularly fucked up, surely your sexual interests seem benign, and if we've got this fucking thing, then surely we also have the minor, pedestrian things you're looking for.

My friend informed me today that it arrived and that it was fine, but she couldn't get past the feeling of having to go pee.

Wait, what?

She informed me that it was created for g-spot orgasms and is supposed to create female ejaculation. Then she said that I was weird about sex because I was completely baffled that she actually spent 170 dollars on this creepy thing.

"Wouldn't you want to experience a new kind of orgasm?" she asked.

This is a strange question. Of course I want to experience new kinds of orgasms. But in order to be willing to spend 170 dollars on what appears to be a giant contraption made in someone's basement that should come with a slip of paper saying "For Novelty Purposes Only", I would have to be having some really fucking awful orgasms. If an image of my Grandmother, legs akimbo, resting after a 14 hour fuckfest popped in my mind immediately before every orgasm I achieved, yes, I think 170 dollars would be a perfectly acceptable amount of money to spend to achieve a different kind of orgasm. Otherwise, my orgasms are pretty damn acceptable as is, thank you.

When I say that "nobody" buys something called a "Fucksaw", obviously I don't mean nobody. I am completely respectful of the female orgasm and desire to make it happen almost 95% of my day. Still, the only other people who buy something like this other than my friend who obviously has incredibly dull orgasms, are drug-fueled millionaire freakshows who have not been told "no" in as long as they can remember and have no concept of reality. Doesn't it sound exactly like something you'd hear Elvis bought three days before he died? Elvis went and fucked thirteen groupies with a Fucksaw, drove a car into a river, ate a 12 pound steak with peanut butter on it, then died on the toilet.

The blessing of masturbating-- and yes, it is a blessing-- is that it's free! Gloriously, wonderfully free. And anybody can do it! You could be doing it right now! In fact, why aren't you doing it right now? There are videos of guys on the Internet with no hands who masturbate with their feet-- for free! I'll admit that for women with no hands it's a little trickier, but they can always find something around the house to rub up on. Nature finds a way. Did chaos theory teach us nothing else?
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with love from CRS @ 8:57 AM 

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