CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
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Grudge Fucking A Hated Celebrity

Saturday, August 06, 2011

this entry brought to you by harlem shakes, "technicolor health"


The topic of potentially having sex with a really hated celebrity often comes up between guys, and they will often say that they'd fuck that person, but it would be a grudge fuck, as if fucking people you hate will bring a new kind of orgasm you've never felt before.

I had the opportunity to have sex with a certain obnoxious female politician a few months ago-- don't ask how-- and I was initially completely skeptical. I hate this person, I said to myself, and besides, although she is conventionally attractive for a lady her age, she's not even my type.

Yes, but there's such a thing as a grudge fuck! came the voice of every buddy I've ever had, every hack comedian who has ever been.

So we went to her hotel room and I was ready to go for this new orgasm, the grudge fuck orgasm, to see what this new experience could possibly be like. And you know that strange guilt you get from sex with an anonymous person? You think to yourself, well, that was fun, but Jesus, can't I just get a fucking girlfriend like a normal person? This was like that, but amplified from mere guilt to horror.

I'll admit the foreplay was pretty good because initially she kept her vocal output to just oohs and ahhs, but when it came down to actually doing the deed, she would not shut the fuck up. And moreover, it wasn't just the talking, it's that everything she said were in this obnoxious, patronizing, folksy tone of voice. "Yeah, go ahead and pump that va-jay-jay a little deeper there, guy!"

I tried to force myself through these obnoxious "down-home" dirty talk by imagining that I was having sex with Tina Fey dressed up like whoever this politician was, but then I heard "Oh boy! You sure are hittin' that clit like a trooper! You betcha!"

Like a freight train filled with ice cream rammed into my ass, I became flaccid and fell limp on the bed, twitching, oozing, unable to perform anymore, riddled with guilt and self hatred. I left her there on the bed without even saying good-bye, and took a long, cold shower. I couldn't look in the mirror without imagining her looking up at me and just thinking all the idiotic shit that jangled around in her fucking head. I couldn't even touch my penis for weeks without it feeling like it was going to shrivel up into my body.

The worst part was that when I was able to have sex with people, I could only achieve orgasm when my partner spoke in heinous, patronizing witticisms.

"Ooh yeah! Call Me Joe Six-Pack! Complain about the lamestream media!"
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with love from CRS @ 11:34 AM 

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