CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
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15 REJECTED HEADLINES

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

this entry brought to you by sleater-kinney, "oh!"

i don't like doing two list-joke entries in a row, but at least this means i've actually managed to post four CONSECUTIVE entries, and at this point, that's more important.


A few years ago I discovered the joy of writing in a fake headline format. There are certain jokes that come across better as a panel-by-panel skit, there are some that come out better in script form, there are some that come out better as op-eds, and there are some that just work best in a fake headline format. I was initially hesitant to do them because The Onion does it and I would basically be ripping them off, but I decided 1) The Onion didn't make up the format, they just do it way, way, way better than everyone else, and 2) It's my blog, and I'll do whatever the fuck I want. And that settled that.

I do them approximately once a week (even though over the past year I update this page so sporadically that's no longer true, but I'm trying to get better, and, because of this, I have over fucking 70 headlines, so even if I did them once a week without skipping, I'd have over a year and a half worth, and that's not even including new ones. So, it's time for some spring cleaning.

The reject headlines I still think are funny-- that's why I wrote them down. It's just that I feel like they're the kind of funny that doesn't really warrant a full entry to go with them, and if they do, I can't figure out how.


VH1 ANNOUNCES NEW TALK SHOW: "CRAZY BLACK FOLKS YELLING AT EACH OTHER"

* MAJORITY OF NATION'S UNSOLD VEHICLES DUMPED AT SEA

NEW REALITY SHOW CONSISTS ENTIRELY OF JUDGES MAKING FUN OF CONTESTANTS

SPECIAL INTEREST GROUP BUYS 2 BILLION EXTRA COPIES OF BIBLE, ANN COULTER’S BOOK TO KEEP THEM IN BEST SELLER’S LIST

** AMY WINEHOUSE DEMANDS BRAINS, CRACK PIPE

SEX ADVICE COLUMNIST GIVES 1,000TH "COMMUNICATION IS KEY" ANSWER, KILLS SELF

SITCOM BASED ON AFGHANISTAN WAR ON 28TH SEASON; LASTS LONGER THAN ACTUAL WAR

SPAMMER SAD HE DOESN'T HEAR FROM YOU ANYMORE

EXTREMELY NERDY PROWLER BREAKS INTO HOMES AND REMOVES COLLECTIBLES FROM THEIR ORIGINAL PACKAGING

A SIMPSONS FAN HAS BEEN LACKING SINCE HIS HEYDAY

ROLLING STONE DOES YET ANOTHER FUCKING BOB DYLAN ARTICLE

JOHN CONNOR WINS WAR AGAINST MACHINES USING MEDIUM SIZED MAGNET CARELESSLY LEFT TOO CLOSE TOO SKYNET

MAN SHOPPING AT VICTORIA'S SECRET IS OBVIOUSLY A CLOSETED CROSS DRESSER

BOBBY MCFERRIN BUYS ENTIRETY OF AUSTRALIA WITH "DON'T WORRY BE HAPPY" ROYALTIES

MOVIE STAR IN THE 40S KILLED BY OLD TIMEY EXPLODING FLASHBULB SHARD
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* I think this is a funny idea, but the whole "Car Industry Collapsing" thing has actually been dealt with, and the entire American Auto Industry is thriving. If I'd been a little more timely, this would have been funny.

** I think this could totally make an excellent absurd headline. But come on, an Amy Winehouse joke? Again, this would've been funny when I first thought of it.
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with love from CRS @ 4:50 PM 

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