CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
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BATMAN: A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY

Sunday, January 02, 2011

this entry brought to you by super meat boy theme

note: please read all of Batman's lines in a christian bale batman voice. it will be funnier that way.


INT. A DINGY, DISGUSTING WAREHOUSE NEAR THE DOCKS OF GOTHAM.

THUG is holding a machine gun slung under his arm, is looking out the window, which is cracked open. He puts on his binoculars to look out. Satisfied that there's nothing out there, he puts them down and turns around, putting his back to the open window. In the darkness he checks his blackberry. The light shines up in his face. He starts texting.

Suddenly, and without any warning, BATMAN is behind him, has him disarmed and immediately puts him in a choke hold. His Blackberry clatters on the ground.

 BATMAN: (lowly) I will put you in a wheelchair for the rest of your life if you don't tell me where the drugs are going, and you will tell me quietly.

THUG: (after a beat, out loud)...Vinnie Scaborina?

BATMAN: I will repeat this only one more time. Tell me where the drugs are going.

THUG: Vinnie Scabs! I'd recognize your voice anywhere!

THUG somehow dislodges himself from BATMAN'S grip, and turns around to look at him.

THUG: Holy shit! Vinnie Scaborina! I can't fuckin' believe it! It's me, Marky! Marky Faducci, from the old gang in high school?

BATMAN: I'm not Vinnie Scaborina, you idiot, just tell me where the damn drugs are going--

THUG: Oh my fuckin' God, I can't believe this! It's been like, what, 10 years since I last seen you?

Suddenly another thug bursts into the room, also holding a machine gun.

 THUG 2: What the fuck's goin' on in here?

THUG: Kelso, remember Vinnie Fuckin' Scabs from high school?

BATMAN: Dammit, I'm not Vinnie Scabs--

THUG 2: Vinnie Scabs? I don't know. How do you know the Batman is Vinnie Scabs?

BATMAN: (angrily) I'm not Vinnie Scabs! Tell me where the drugs are! Now!

THUG 2: (with recognition) Vinnie Fucking Scabs! Shit! He's right! It is SO good to see you!

THUG 1: The last time we saw this motherfucker it was right after your brother dropped out of school!

BATMAN: For the last time, I'm not your friend, I'm Batman, I'm--

THUG 2 (holding up his hand to block the top portion of Batman's mask, to look at just his chin): Oh it's you, alright, Vinnie. That, chin, that voice. It's you alright. I had no fuckin' idea that Vinnie Fucking Scabs was The Batman!

THUG 1: Vinnie, I used to think nothing good would come out of you. But look at you! You son of a bitch! You're the fucking Batman! The scourge of the underworld! Don't that beat all!

THUG 2 gently punches BATMAN in the shoulder.

 THUG 2: You got a lot of guys scared shitless of you, you know that? You old piece of shit! Oh, man, it's good to see you. How the fuck have you been?

BATMAN: ... I've been doing great.

THUG 1: I'll say you have! You can do whatever you want, you're the fuckin' Batman! You must have chicks all over you! I mean, that is, if you want 'em. That might bring too much attention.

THUG 2: Actually it must suck for you, really, because if you take off that mask, nobody knows who you are.

BATMAN: That... That's totally true. Once I'm out of the suit, I'm just regular old Vinnie Scaborina again.

THUG 1: But fucking Vinnie Scabs! Everybody loves fuckin' Vinnie Scabs! Holy shit, remember that time you drank that whole fucking keg by yourself? I don't know how you didn't die, you crazy motherfucker!

BATMAN: Please, it was only half the keg, you know that. You give me too much credit.

THUG 1 (slapping BATMAN on his back): Ha ha haa! Vinnie you always made me laugh! You fuckin cut-up! Oh my god it's good to see you.

THUG 2: You know, Vinnie, since we know it's you, you can just go ahead and take the mask off. It's not a big deal or nothin'.

BATMAN: Yeah, well. Once I take it off it's a real pain in the ass to put back on. And I've got other things to do today, so...

THUG 2: We totally understand, Vinnie. Just sayin', between friends and all. But yeah, if it's going to be a big deal, don't worry about it.

THUG 1: Hey! What about the jokes this filthy prick used to tell! Hahahahaa! You gotta still know 'em!

THUG 2: My favorite one was the one with the guy who sticks his cock in his mother's mouth! Tell that one again! Haahahahahaa!

THUG 1: That joke used to make even Tony Piscatelli blush! And you know that guy!

BATMAN: I don't remember that one, guys.

THUG 1: Come on! Tell it!

THUG 2: Tell it!

BATMAN: (sighing) I would, except that it's been so long, I'm afraid I'll tell it wrong, and it'll come out stupid.

THUG 1: Come on!

BATMAN: Tell you what. I'll think of it, and next time I see you, I'll tell it. Okay?

THUG 1: Fuckin' Vinnie Scabs over here! Of course you call tell it next time we see you. But hey! You better remember, you insufferable asshole! Hahahhahahaa!

BATMAN: Say. You guys wanna... Tell me where the drugs are heading?

THUG 1: No problem, Vinnie. For you, anything. They're heading down to Pier 128, and they'll be there at 3:00 am. There's a locked gate around it, and while I don't think you would have a problem getting in, you clever bastard, the code to the gate is 15338.

THUG 2: Uhm. You're not going to do anything about the drugs, are you Vinnie? I mean, we're all friends here.

BATMAN: Hah, no way, guys. Listen, I have vowed justice on every criminal-- but you guys? You get a free pass. Afterall, you're my buddies! No, I just wanted to know about the drugs for, ah, old times sakes?

THUG 1: Old times sakes! Hah ha haaaa! Yeah, I know! You sentimental cock-face! We love you too!

THUG 2 (with much seriousness) Vinnie, we won't tell anybody about you being the Batman.

THUG 1: Oh my god no. We would never tell. Secrets stay between friends. That's the code.

THUG 2: You never told anybody about that gay shit I did with Gino, and I appreciate that. Now I will return the favor of keeping your secret.

BATMAN: Thanks, guys. Listen, I better get going. I, uh, you know, kegs don't drink themselves.

THUG 1: That they don't, you fuckin' greaseball wop motherfucker! Hahahahaa! Good to see you! Take care! Go beat the shit out of people for us! Other people, I mean! Haha haahaa!

THUG 2: Stay out of the line of gun fire you cocksucker!

BATMAN leaves through the window.

THUG 1: Jesus, I didn't know Vinnie Scabs was the fuckin' Batman. I should probably stop fucking his sister.

THUG 2: Yeah, and you don't want Vinnie pissed off. I heard that dude could fuck a guy up.
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with love from CRS @ 4:51 PM 

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