CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
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Obnoxious Lyrics To Your Favorite Christmas Carols

Friday, December 24, 2010

this entry brought to you by modest mouse, "world at large"



You know, now that you mention it, we really don't know much about Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen. Are their stories really so insignificant?


Do you know what really bugs me about the song "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer"? It's not in the song proper, it's in that little preamble at the beginning. "You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen. But do you recall... The most famous reindeer of all?"

If he was the most famous reindeer of all, then why in the world would you have to ask me if I recall him? In what situation would you ever phrase the same question?

"You know Larry Byrd and Magic Johnson, Shaquille O'Neal and Kobe Bryant. But do you recall the most famous basketball player of all? You know. Michael Jordan. Remember that guy?"

There's that. But the bigger problem is that Rudolph was made up specifically for the cartoon. Not that there's anything wrong with making a Christmas-themed animated cartoon, but do I recall that thing you just made up? Well, no. How could I?

Every person I ever tell this to always gets annoyed at me and acts like I'm being some sort of Christmas hating Grinch. "Oh god, it's just a fun cartoon for children. Grow up." Which, one, is annoying, because it's fun to point out obnoxious inconsistencies in children's cartoons-- Why are Scooby and Shaggy always afraid of the ghosts if they are always revealed to be hoaxes???-- so why are you damping my fun in mocking them? But the bigger issue is that there's a much better way to say this.

"Hey everybody, gather 'round. Let me sing you a song about the most unsung reindeer of all! He was a hero that saved Christmas! It's amazing history has overlooked him, for all he did! You've never heard of him? Let's change that!"

Or hell, if you want to pretend he's the most famous reindeer of all, why not just say "Hey everybody, let's sing a song about Rudolph. You know the words!" Then we follow the bouncing ball; problem solved.

And while I'm talking about annoying lyrics in Christmas songs, I really have got to address the following lines in "Deck the Halls" and "Jingle Bells": "Don we now our gay apparel!" and "Bells on bob tail ring."

Don't tell me you've never sung those two songs and every single time you got to those lines thought, "What the fuck?"

Concerning "Deck the Halls", yes, I'm aware "gay" used to mean something different-- that's not what I'm annoyed with. What annoys me is that it was never, never common for an English-speaking person to say "Don we now our gay apparel", not even in 1881 when the English lyrics were written. I mean, just think of it in terms of syntax. It's the most awkward sentence in the world. They mean "Now we wear our happy clothes." Try it. Right now. "Now we wear our hap-py clothes, fa-la-la la-la-la la-la-laaah!" Isn't that easier? And yes, the original line does rhyme with "Yule tide carol", but when you have to make the most awkward sentence in the world to rhyme the world "carol", how about just using a different word than "carol"?

Then there's that "Bells on bobtail ring" bullshit in "Jingle Bells". You can't tell me you had any concept as to one, what the hell that line actually was during a good portion of your life, until you actually were either in music class in the 6th grade during a school Christmas performance or if you ever went caroling and had the lyrics right there in front of you, and two, what the hell a "bobtail" was. Then you learned that it meant the bells, on the tail of the horse, were bobbing. Seriously, there had to have been an easier way of saying that, even in 1850 when the song was originally written. How about "The bells do loudly ring"? Or how about "Damn, them thangs ring!" Or how about anything else?

And let's not even get started on "Santa Claus is Coming to Town"...
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with love from CRS @ 10:27 AM 

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