CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
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The Cold Open To Murder Shows

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

this entry brought to you by nine inch nails, "the great destroyer"


During the opening of those murder shows, before the opening theme/ credits roll-- it's called a "cold open"-- be careful of happiness. The happiness level of the characters is directly proportional to how fucking awful they're going to get murdered.

If they're just minding their own business, they're not going to be murdered, they're going to stumble across a body. The more mundane the activity, the more brutal the murder. If they're jogging, they'll find just find an asphyxiated body. If they're on a cell phone talking business, the body's throat will be slashed. If they're doing some sort of job or public duty, IE postal service or garbage man, they'll find body parts.

But happiness is when things get awful. If someone is out clubbing and is having a blast, they'll get stabbed on the way home. If someone gets promoted at their job and makes a phone call to tell someone the good news, they are going to get raped. If a couple is on a date and they're totally hitting it off, they're going to be kidnapped and put in a dungeon, forced to dress up and perform degrading sex acts on camera before being posed in a horrible way and murdered. If there's a birthday party watch the fuck out. Livers and tongues are going to be nailed to a fucking wall.

Just once, I would like the cold open to one of these murder shows to start off as a really awful day.


MAN: FUCK YOU!

WOMAN: No, FUCK YOU!

MAN: DON'T TALK THAT WAY TO ME YOU STUPID BITCH!

WOMAN: DON'T CALL ME A BITCH YOU ASSHOLE COCK FACE!

MAN: I CAN'T TAKE THIS BULLSHIT ANYMORE! I'M GOING OUT FOR A DRIVE AND I DON'T KNOW WHEN I'M FUCKING COMING BACK!

WOMAN: FINE! I COULD GIVE A SHIT! I HOPE YOU GET IN A CAR ACCIDENT YOU PRICK!

MAN: FINE!

WOMAN: FINE!

(The door slams. A moment later the door opens up, a stranger walks in wearing all black with a sinister look on his face)

WOMAN: FUCKING TERRIFIC! NOW I'M GOING TO GET FUCKING RAPED AND KILLED! AND MY STUPID DUMB ASS HUSBAND ISN'T EVEN HERE TO SAVE ME! WHAT A FINE FUCKING DAY! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, ASSHOLE? LET'S GET THIS FUCKING OVER WITH.

(Husband comes home 2 hours later)

MAN: AW FUCKING GREAT! MY WIFE IS DEAD AND I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO TELL THAT STUPID IDIOT THAT I LOVED HER ONE LAST TIME, AND I'M GOING TO FEEL TERRIBLE ABOUT IT THE REST OF MY STUPID LIFE! JUST MY FUCKING LUCK THIS FUCKING BITCH GETS TO GUILT MY ASS EVEN IN DEATH! LOOK WHO ALWAYS GETS THE LAST FUCKING WORD!!
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with love from CRS @ 7:43 AM 

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