CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
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21 THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT AMERICA ON INDEPENDENCE DAY 2010!

Sunday, July 04, 2010

this entry brought to you by the beatles, "within you without you"

in case you didn't read them, here are 19 things about america from last year, and they are a fucking hoot.


All the best bands are and always have been American. Even if they're not technically born or formed in America, they are American bands in spirit. You know, by not singing about the Queen or blood sausage or shit like that.

We've been the number one super power for well over 60 years, and that's a conservative estimate. What do you have to say about that, Portugal?

We're the only Western country without gays in the military. This is because dudes having sex with dudes is creepy, and there's nothing creepy about training boys to kill without question for very flimsy or no real reason.

Abe Lincoln had a disorder where his arms were longer than average. This meant he could free the slaves as well as beat in you in a grappling match at the same time. Think about that the next time you use a five dollar bill to snort blow off of a lady hobo.

America is so generous, we keep 27% of the world's children employed by buying the cheap plastic crap they make in their hot, cramped factories. You're welcome, world.

Out of all the Socialist Dictator Antichrists in history, ours can dunk the best and more than likely has the largest penis.

America is the native country of the armadillo. That's got to count for something.

Trashy assholes from around the world think American chicks are easy. They may be assholes, but how is this a bad thing? Who wants to live in a country where the chicks don't give it up?

We're the fattest, most diet-crazed, most health obsessed, and have the most eating disorders. Our crippling self image issues give us personality. Have you ever tried talking to a chick with a healthy self image? They're fucking boring.

Every angry god that demanded virgin sacrifices throughout the course of human history would have been more appeased with American virgins. This has been established in the July 1976 issue of Scientific American.

Colombia might have the best coffee, but we have the best LSD.

All American money says "In God We Trust", and when we say that, we mean the American God, not that pussy "Peace Love and Understanding" God.

We invented the nuke, and we're not afraid to use it! Actually, for the past 50 or so years we pretty much have been afraid to use it, so scratch this one.

America invented the cure for cancer back in 2008, and we're keeping it as a bargaining chip when China comes to be repaid for all those billions of dollars we owe them. In the event that they have actually already created the cure for cancer by the time they come to collect, we will give them Lindsay Lohan, who will take them down from the inside.

If another country wants to have a corn fight, we'll totally kick their ass.

American gays are much more fabulous than any other gays in the world, with the possible exception of the Czech Republic.

Other countries have the Internet, but it tastes funny because its ingredients include pure cane sugar and seaweed and shit like that.

The Middle East may have provided the world with some weird religions, but the religions started in America are at least 70% weirder. Not so much funny as it is disturbingly true.

America just elected the world's first black President in a country with a non-black majority. We had previously elected the world's first retarded President in a non-retarded majority. Try to figure out which one!

On a long enough time line, every single female American celebrity will have her vagina photographed while wearing a skirt with no panties, and none of their vaginas will be attractive in those photos, ever.

We didn't invent apple pie, but we did invent masturbating into pie filling and getting sexual release knowing someone is eating it. Come to think of it, I don't know how we can be so proud of that.
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with love from CRS @ 11:08 AM 

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