CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
Profile continued . . .

ARCHIVES!
TYRELL LO KWON IS KUNG-FU PANTHER!!!

Saturday, May 15, 2010

this entry brought to you by bjork, "5 years"


Totally bitchin' whammy-bar heavy disco music starts playing. You're not sure what's happening, only that it's TOTALLY FLY..

EXT. The San Fransisco bay city line.

NARRATOR: HE was born on the MEAN STREETS of SAN FRANCISCO.

CUT TO:

A totally PIMPALICIOUS PIMP is giving his HO what for. She's carrying a baby, crying.

PIMPALICIOUS PIMP: Bitch! You can't be havin' no babies! Now you ain't worth a dime to me! I oughtta go upside your head!

HO: I don't care what you do to me, Smooth Daddy! Just leave my baby alone!

FUNKY-ASS HORNS punctuate the last word of her sentence, Duhn!

CUT TO:

HO is in CHINA TOWN, handing the baby over to a CHINA MAN.

HO: You need to take my baby! And you gotta get out of town! If Smooth Daddy and his gang know you've got him, they'll come after you!

CHINA MAN: What I am supposed to do with baby??!

HO: You got to help me!

CHINA MAN: Okay!!

Those FUNKY-ASS HORNS blast twice, Duh-Duhnn!

CUT TO:

EXT: CHINA.

The CHINA MAN is teaching a young black boy KUNG FU.

NARRATOR: HE was RAISED IN CHINA, and taught the ANCIENT SECRETS OF KUNG-FU.

CHINA MAN: Once more, but this time do it with DEADLINESS!

BLACK BOY: Yes sir, master!

The boy does a couple moves, which the CHINA MAN blocks, but is suddenly taken by surprise by a funky-ass SWEEP KICK, which he does in STUNNING SLOW MOTION.

CHINA MAN: (stroking his beard) Ah! The student is well on his way to becoming the MASTER!

Those BAD-ASS HORNS blast three times, Duh-duh-Duhnn!!!

CUT BACK TO:

The MEAN STREETS of SAN FRANCISCO. GODDAMN GANGS play craps in the alleys. Cops take bribes from UGLY ASS DRUG DEALERS.

NARRATOR: And now, HE'S BACK. He's a COP. And he's ready to CLEAN UP the MEAN STREETS OF SAN FRANCISCO from the SCUM OF THE EARTH, one bad guy at at time, using ANY MEANS POSSIBLE. Tyrell Lo Kwon IS...

ZOOM IN:

A shirtless, black-belt-and-karate-pants wearing BAD ASS, with a SUPER FREAKY AFRO, MEAN HANDLEBAR MUSTACHE, and a look on his face that says "CRACKER, you don't wanna mess with me, I'll kick yo ass and sleep with your HONKY GIRLFRIEND", and he's striking a bad-ass KUNG-FU POSE against a funky PSYCHEDELIC BACKGROUND. The bitchin' music reaches a fever pitch!

 NARRATOR: KUNG-FU PANTHER!!!

CUT TO:

A sweet MONTAGE of KUNG-FU PANTHER doing several VICIOUS kung-fu moves! KUNG-FU PANTHER does a DEADLY FLYING KICK with a fierce Ki-yai! KUNG-FU PANTHER does a KICK-ASS BACKHAND with a powerful Ki-yai! KUNG-FU PANTHER does three BAD-ASS BACKFLIPS into a KILLER SPLIT KICK with an ear-piercing Ki-yai!

CUT TO:

KUNG FU PANTHER, still with SUPER FREAKY AFRO and MEAN HANDLEBAR MUSTACHE is now decked out in police uniform, except that his police uniform has SWEET PERSONAL TOUCHES: his sleeves are torn off, he wears a giant, MANLY BELT BUCKLE in the shape of an X, and his pants fit so tightly you can see the outline of his GIANT BAD-ASS PACKAGE. He is walking down the MEAN STREETS OF SAN FRANCISCO, with a look on his face that says "Yeah, I own this town, and I'll sleep with its HONKY GIRLFRIEND."

 NARRATOR: So all you NASTY PIMPS, all you UGLY ASS DRUG DEALERS, all you GODDAMN GANG MEMBERS, look out! There's a new BAD-ASS COP on the beat, and he's one you can't pay off with your DIRTY MONEY. KUNG-FU PANTHER is COMING FOR YOU.

CUT TO:

INT: A HONKY-ASS HOUSE.

The SWEET ASS MUSIC has stopped. KUNG-FU PANTHER is inside the white woman's house. She is somewhat overweight, wearing a stained night gown, holding a baby, in the living room, talking to KUNG-FU PANTHER. The living room is wrecked.

KUNG FU PANTHER: ...No, ma'am, you did the right thing, calling the police. It's no problem at all. It's what we do.

HONKEY WOMAN: I know, I know. I mean, I love him, and I hate to call the cops on him, but this is the third time he's done this, and I just don't know what to do.

KUNG FU PANTHER: I completely understand ma'am, and you really shouldn't ever have to take it, not even once.

HONKEY WOMAN: I know. Sometimes I just feel like I can't take it anymore.

The RADIO in his pocket chatters, KUNG-FU PANTHER picks it up and says some JIVE-ASS POLICE JARGON into it, puts it back onto his belt.

KUNG-FU PANTHER: Okay, I think that about wraps it up, I'll go ahead and leave and get out of your hair so you can get on with your day.

HONKEY WOMAN: Thanks a lot, officer.

KUNG-FU PANTHER: And remember, you can go straight to the court house tomorrow morning and get yourself a restraining order so this will never happen again.

HONKEY WOMAN: I don't know if I want a restraining order, I really do love him.

KUNG FU PANTHER: Well, I can't tell you what to do, but you I'd really recommend you getting a restraining order. You have a nice evening.

The POUNDING DISCO MUSIC starts up again.

CUT TO:

A MONTAGE of KUNG-FU PANTHER doing SWEET KUNG-FU MOVES. KUNG-FU PANTHER does a BACK-BREAKING KARATE CHOP with a great Ki-yai! KUNG-FU PANTHER does the SPLITS LIKE NOBODY ELSE, into a FORWARD PUNCH with a menacing Ki-yai! KUNG-FU PANTHER does a FLYING DOUBLE AXE KICK with a death-announcing Ki-yai!

CUT TO:

INT: A POLICE DEPARTMENT.

The SWEET DISCO MUSIC still plays and continues through this scene. KUNG-FU PANTHER is at his desk, filling out paperwork. The CAPTAIN leans out his door.

 CAPTAIN: Lo-Kwon! Get your ass in here!

KUNG-FU PANTHER gets up from his desk and goes into the CAPTAIN'S office.

CAPTAIN: You want some coffee, Lo-Kwon?

KUNG-FU PANTHER: Thanks, I will, Captain.

The CAPTAIN gets up to make the coffee, gestures to a pile of paperwork on his desk.

CAPTAIN: Are you the one responsible for this?

KUNG-FU PANTHER: (glancing over the paperwork) Yes sir, that was my case.

CAPTAIN: Good job, Lo-Kwon. You keep this up, you'll be heading for a promotion.

KUNG-FU PANTHER: Thanks, Captain. I try my best.

CAPTAIN: You want cream and sugar in your coffee?

KUNG-FU PANTHER: No thanks. I like my coffee... black.

The FUNKY-ASS HORNS blast three times, Duh-duh-Duhnn!

CUT TO:

The SWEET DISCO MUSIC stops. KUNG-FU PANTHER pulls up to a HONKY ASS COUNTRY AND WESTERN BAR, where two CRACKERS are pathetically and drunkenly wrestling on the ground. KUNG-FU PANTHER breaks them up.

 KUNG-FU PANTHER: Alright alright you guys, break it up. C'mon, break it up. Okay so what's going on here?

CRACKER 1: He started it!

CRACKER 2: You shut up! He started it!

CRACKER 1 (to CRACKER 2): No you started it!

KUNG-FU PANTHER: Calm down you guys. Okay, why don't you tell me what happened?

CRACKER 1: Well, this here's my brother...

CRACKER 2: You ain't no brother to me no more!

CRACKER 1: My brother and I were drinkin' at this bar, just like we do all the time, and he--

CRACKER 2: You ain't my brother! Not no more, not after what you said about my girlfriend!

CRACKER 1: I's just sayin' that she ain't a good girlfriend to you! She ain't got no job, you pay for everything, and she don't even put out none!

CRACKER 2: That don't make her no moocher you son of a bitch!

CRACKER 1: And he's drunk, so he insisted we go outside, and as soon as we did, he starts fightin'.

CRACKER 2: Shut the fuck up, Carl! You're drunk too! Don't put all this on my ass!

CRACKER 1: Yes, I've had a few, officer, maybe I'm a little drunk, but my brother here just needs to get to sleep.

KUNG-FU PANTHER: You're not driving though, are you?

CRACKER 1: No, we'll take a cab.

KUNG-FU PANTHER: Alright, go ahead and call that cab now, get him home. I don't want to be called out to have to deal with you two again, or else I'll have to take you in.

CRACKER 1: Thank you officer.

CRACKER 2: (as if having a moment of clarity) Whoaaa.. Goddamn, I am drunk. Shit. Carl I didn't mean to start no shit. You know how I get carried away.

KUNG-FU PANTHER: Get a good night's sleep, guys.

CUT TO:

That FUNKY ASS DISCO MUSIC starts up again, and KUNG-FU PANTHER is doing a BAD-ASS FLYING KICK toward the camera, when the frame freezes

NARRATOR: So get yo FUNKY ASS in the theaters, or else you'll miss the DYNAMITE ACTION, the DAMN FINE LADIES, and the SWEET MOTHERFUCKING SUSPENSE of...

KUNG-FU PANTHER!
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with love from CRS @ 9:31 AM 

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