CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
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My Seinfeld Episode

Saturday, April 10, 2010

this entry brought to you by gorillaz, "clint eastwood"


When I was in my late teens, I got the idea for a Seinfeld episode in my head, and the plot started filling itself out. I never went so far as to actually try and write any of it down because I thought it was silly. I was never going to write for Seinfeld. Why would I bother writing a telescript for it?

Years later I've learned that when you are trying to be a television writer, producers want to see "spec scripts"-- and a spec script is basically you writing a fake script for existing television shows. It'll never turn into a real episode, but it's a good way to demonstrate 1) you're able to write a good show, 2) you can write in telescript format, and 3) you're able to write in the voice and tone of a show, even if it's not the show the producer wants you to write for. So basically, after a decade of Seinfeld being off the air, I find out that all wannabe Hollywood writers have written scripts for shows they will never write for, and that's not silly at all. However, spec scripts tend to be for television shows currently on the air, so I'm screwed, yet would not have if I'd written it when I first had the idea. Not that it would've gotten a job writing for television, but it wouldn't have been the waste of time I thought it would be, because lots of writers make them.

The show would open with Elaine grocery shopping. Maybe she stops to flirt with somebody, when she and another shopper unwittingly swap carts. She gets to the checkout and, halfway through being rung up, realizes this isn't hers.

"Oh excuse me, that isn't--"

The cashier looks up at her with great annoyance and sass. "This isn't what?"

"Excuse me, is there a problem here?" comes a voice from behind her, a greatly annoyed customer. "I have places I need to be, can we hurry this up?"

Elaine smiles at him embarrassingly, and tells him, no, it's nothing, and lets the cashier continue to ring her up. When it's all over, the cashier says "That'll be $375 dollars". She pulls out her purse, sees that she doesn't have nearly that much money, and asks daintily, "Uhm, do you take checks?"

When Elaine gets home she'll find that the cart was filled with the weirdest, most obscure groceries imaginable, and, not wanting to have spent 375 dollars for no reason, will force herself into believing that they're actually really good. "No, really! Jerry, you have got to try canned blueberry muffin. It's the best!"

That's the B plot. The A plot has to do with George. George's Father, Frank, gets angry for a silly reason-- okay, so some parts are more fleshed out than others, but trust me, were I to have actually sat down and wrote this, it would have been hilarious-- and believes he has a heart attack. It turns out not to be a heart attack (again, it would have been something hilarious to make him think it's a heart attack, trust me), but having come this close to what he believed was death, he tells George that a long while ago, Frank and George's mother were split up. Frank thought it was the end of the marriage. He met another woman in that brief time, and, long story short, George has a half-brother.

George goes out and meets his half brother, and it's played by Ben Stiller, who, in real life, is the son of Jerry Stiller, who plays Frank Costanza. Ben Stiller's character is named Brian, and he's exactly like George. Balding, neurotic, prone to anger. The two of them hit it off like gangbusters and are quick best friends. Despite the fact that they are exactly alike, for some reason the rest of the gang immediately dislikes Brian-- one George is lovable, two Georges is absolutely unacceptable. Kramer, having absolutely no tact, will of course come right out and say "George, everybody hates your half brother. He's got to go."

Various antics ensue, and by the end of the episode George and Brian and ready to stop hanging out with the rest of their friends in order to spend more time together. They're even planning on taking a trip someplace that they both secretly wanted to take a friend to-- say, Disney World, because they had been too embarrassed to ask their friends previously. Now that they have each other, they're going.

George's dad, right at the end of the episode, approaches George and tells him, whoops, turns out he was wrong. There's no way Brian could be his brother.

When George and Brian meet up, it's as if they absolutely could not care at all to talk to one another, now that they know they're not brothers.

"So I uh. I guess you heard."

"Yeah."

"So uh. Hmm."

"Yep."

They both shrug at each other half-heartedly and, without any other words, simply walk off.

During the ending credits, George and Jerry are at the coffee shop. George is looking at the newspaper.

"Can you believe this? I just bought that shirt, and wouldn't you know it, three weeks later, it goes on sale. And did the woman there tell me? Of course not. She could've said, you know, it's going to go on sale in three weeks, but she looked me right in the eye and thought, 'I don't like this guy, I'm not going to tell him a way to save a few bucks.' Can you believe it?"

Jerry rolls his eyes. "Hey, weren't you and Brian going to the movies today?"

George looks at him blankly. "Who?"

"Brian? You half brother?"

"What?"

"Your half brother Brian! You two have been inseparable for about a week and a half now?"

"Oh. Him. Huh." George kind of shrugs and goes back to looking at the paper.

"So I guess you're not going to the movies, then?"

"Nah. I'm done with him. I found him too neurotic. Too prone to angry outbursts. Also, the bald thing-- I'm bald, and that's one thing, but he didn't wear it well. On him it was pathetic."
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with love from CRS @ 8:18 AM 

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