CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
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A Letter From a Penthouse Forum Knock-Off

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

this entry brought to you by modest mouse, "fly trapped in a jar"


I haven't actually seen a porn magazine in ages; I haven't been inside an adult book store ever, but when I was a young man, you could walk into a local convenience store and buy all but the most hardcore of porn magazines. I don't even know if they still make them, but there used to be Penthouse Forums, a National Geographic-sized magazine that was just the dirty letters from Penthouse. Then you'd get your knock-offs, your Lovely Letters, your Dirty Desires, your Smutty Sinsations, your Erotic-- uhm, I can't think of any more fake names for these things. They were your basic "Every time I read your magazine I always thought the stories were fake, but then this happened to me, and I swear all of it is true" letters. Only not nearly as professionally written as anything you'd see in Penthouse Forums, often with horrible typos and very poor grammar. Also, the pictures weren't in color, and if they were actual photos, they were obviously stock porn photos of no one in particular, or else they were poor illustrations.

If you were buying porn in this era, you'd come across a "Buy 3 for 10 bucks", and they were always your off brands, and I decided, you know what? Just for a change of pace, why not buy the letters-style ones instead of the photo porn ones. You could get 5 of them in a bag for 10 bucks. Why not?

There was a particular story that I remember.

This guy goes over to his buddy's house, and he's got a swimming pool, and a hot wife. They're out having a barbecue or whatever, and the wife starts flirting in her sexy swimsuit. She starts giving the guys lap dances, getting them both hot and bothered. Your typical set up.

...But then it takes a really weird turn. The guy's wife says she's going to go take a shower or something like that and excuses herself, leaving the guys frustrated. They both pop a couple of beers and exchange "Boy, isn't my wife something else?" and other pleasantries. Then the buddy jumps in the pool and climbs onto a floatie whale that's about the size of a man.

And then the narrator says that his buddy starts humping the whale. More and more vigorously, until he orgasms. Then his friend turns to him and says "Want a turn?" Then the narrator says that it actually looked fun, and he jumps on and humps the whale as well until he too climaxes.

Then a few minutes pass, they both say they're still horny, and go inside and fuck the wife. And from that point forward the story is pretty normal again.

Let me emphasize that none of the other stories in the magazine were like this at all. This was not Letters From Floatie Fetishists' Digest. This was not Freaky And Fucked Up Bi-Monthly. This was just Hot And Horny, or whatever it was called, and all the other stories were about guys banging librarians in the reference section, or a cop who accepted a blowjob from a female car driver he'd pulled over instead of giving a ticket.

First of all, I am forced to conclude that this actually happened. Because if some bored freelancer turned this in to a smut editor, I can't imagine how he wouldn't get it back with the first half highlighted in red marker and a note saying "Dude, what the fuck?"

So this has to be a true story. But it also begs the question, what was going through the guy's head when he sat down and wrote it? Shouldn't there have been a voice in his head saying "Hey, you need to share this story-- but how about skipping the part where you and your buddy fuck an inflatable whale, because some people will find that kind of weird, and instead just go straight to the part where you guys double team his wife?"

Which only further brings up the question, since this had to have really happened and this guy still saw fit to write it and send it to Hot and Horny Stories, why the editor didn't just take out the freaky floatie fucking part out and replace it with another story? Or was he forced to print the whole thing because the quality of the stories not printed was just that much more bizarre? Now I'm imagining an editor tossing a submission in the trash bin and saying "Yet another story of some guy making love to a pinata! I've got 8 more pages to fill and three hours before this thing goes to print, what am I going to do? What's this? Some guy and his friend fucking a whale floatie before banging around with his wife and it's exactly eight pages long? Thank god! We're saved!"

Also, ever since reading that, every time I see a floatie, I know that somewhere there are guys who, if offered to have sloppy seconds with it, will say "Hm. Yeah sure, I don't see why not."



"Don't bogart that shit, son. Pass it around."
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with love from CRS @ 1:24 PM 

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