CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
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New Years Resolutions 1 Month, 6 Days Late

Sunday, February 07, 2010

this entry brought to you by beck, "loser"


Traditionally New Years Resolutions are told on, you know, the new year, which is traditionally January 1st. But you know what? What the hell is New Years, besides the beginning of a new calendar? Birthdays may be artificial as well, but at least they're anniversaries of something tangible, such as your existence on the planet, and I can't think of a better time to make actual resolutions for a new year.

...Of course, my birthday was on the 4th, and here it is the 7th, so I'm late for even that. But really, this is as good a day for resolutions as any.

Here are my resolutions for the year 2010/ My 31st year of existence on the planet. I promise to fulfill every single one of these by 2011/ My 32nd year of existence/ when I get around to them.


* Drink beer as an excuse to get rid of my beer gut, which so far has manifested sans beer.

* Move to Canada. No, seriously.

* Finish my autobiography, tentatively titled Chris Waites For Nobody. Keep ten thousand unsold copies around the house, because how many people have ten thousand copies of the story of their life in their house?

* Hate Glenn Beck more. This is much more difficult than it would sound.

* Blame more things on George W. Bush. Also more difficult than it would sound.

* Set aside more time for watching porn with the family.

* Master own recipe for hot sauce, then send it overseas to starving countries. Seriously, that gruel you see them eating in those commercials can't taste good, and there's nothing that hot sauce doesn't make zippier.

* Give your wife a foot massage. It's not as bad as sticking it in the holiest of holies, but it's still touching your wife in a personal way. What're you going to do, push a nigga through a glass ceiling?

* Disprove God to the entire world within the next twelve months, creating an entire planet of Godless heathens. When God then inevitably comes back, say "Oops, that's my bad" to my millions of disappointed/horrified now-doomed-to-eternity-in-hell followers.

* Direct 80 million dollar feature film, and when it flops, ask incredulously to movie studio, "Why in the hell did you give me 80 million dollars? How in the hell was that possibly going to come out well?"

* Pancakes. Lots of them.

* Spend 500 dollars on reality show DVD boxes sets, and spend an entire month watching every single one. Spend the next three months crying.

* Stop pointing at strangers and releasing a horrifying, monstrously high pitched shriek, signifying to the rest of my race to "snatch" their "body". Because it's fucking rude.

* Light a hobo on fire. All the best writers in the world have lit hobos on fire, and this way I can be closer to the Masters.

* Adopt two children, naming one Savory Beef and naming the other Classic Chicken. Release them both to a group of angry cannibals, seeing which one gets eaten first.
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with love from CRS @ 9:31 AM 

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