CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
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The State Fair Trip From Hell

Sunday, September 27, 2009

this entry brought to you by the von bondies, "21st birthday"


One of the worst days I ever had in my life involved going to the state fair. I suppose I should be happy that my none of my top five worst days ever involves anyone dying so far, and I'm sure once five people in my life have died then this story will be knocked off the list, but it was still a significantly shitty day that I would like to share. This probably won't be interesting or entertaining, and you'll probably have a ton of stories way worse than this, but still. I'm actually going somewhere with this.

I was living with Michelle, who, at the time, was my girlfriend and is currently my wife (and delightful mother of my one-and-a-second-one-coming children), but I was still close friends with a person named Lisa, although for the life of me, I can't explain why. We'd been friends since freshman year in high school, and I don't really know why this is true when I analyze our friendship. Sometimes you make friends, especially when you're young, despite all reasons of rationality.

On this particular day Michelle was going in to work at noon and was to work until 8 in the evening. Her store was having a company cook-out, and she wanted me to join her around five pm. I'd only been living here in Arizona for a month if that, and this was going to be the opportunity where I was to meet everyone she worked with. This was fine. Lisa made plans with me that day as well, and I was supposed to come over and pick me up at 11am, we were going to hang out, and I expected to be back with plenty of time before then. Besides, Michelle's break was only going to be for 30 minutes, and if Lisa had to hang out while I had lunch with my girlfriend and her co-workers, that wouldn't be a big deal.

And, of course, I don't know why I was surprised, but Lisa was late. Hours late. She swung by at 3pm, saying we were going someplace special, but it was a surprise. I hadn't eaten since I knew Lisa would be hanging out, and while I'd initially expected to eat with her around noon, leaving plenty of room for food at 5, I still expected we were going to a cool pizza shop or something, and I figured I'd grab just a muffin or something when I got to Michelle's work. Lisa and I would have to make a few stops first, she said, but she had a lot of fun in store for me. I told her, as we climbed into the car, we needed to stop by Michelle's store first, that I'd made plans with her, and besides, I needed to give her the house keys so she could get back inside the house when she got off work.

We got caught up in conversation and before we knew it we were several miles away from her store, when I realized, shit, I still had the house keys, and there was no way Michelle could get inside the house. I insisted that we turn back around, but Lisa got this really nasty look on her face, saying that there was no way she was going to turn around, we were almost at the freeway. But Michelle has no way to get inside the house, I told her. She said that where ever this place was that we were going, a friend of hers would be there, and he'd leave and drop off the keys for her. We were heading on the freeway and I finally got her to tell me that we were driving all the way across town to the State Fair. By this point we were on the freeway, which was clogged with 4'oclock traffic, and there really was no way to turn around. I can't explain how infuriated and frustrated I was, why didn't Lisa just turn the car around when I originally asked, how come my girlfriend not being able to get inside her house wasn't more urgent to her, all these things just made me feel trapped, like I had no say in what was happening to me.

"Your friend is going to drive all the way from the State Fair and drive all the way the fuck back to Chandler to give my girlfriend her keys, then he's just going to head back?" I asked incredulously.

Of course he would, she said, getting on the phone and asking in her sweetest baby voice if he would do her a favor, to which he replied he would.

I was going to miss the date with Michelle at her work, this much was obvious. And I seriously doubted her friend was going to drive back and forth across Phoenix and its suburbs just to give my girlfriend, who he had met two times in his life, her house keys. And, at this point, already on the freeway, there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I had essentially been kidnapped. I'd gotten in the car not knowing where we were going, not knowing how long we'd be gone, and now I had previous engagements that were fucking ruined. Not to mention there was a very strong chance Michelle would be stranded outside her house when she got home from work.

What followed for the next few hours were mostly a blur of incidents I don't remember very clearly. We were essentially driving from one end of the city to another, bouncing from suburb to suburb. I eventually found out that one of her friends was going to be a presenter at the State Fair, and he was going to get us free passes, but this involved faking ids, faking employment at his company, and driving around to do all of these mini errands, all to avoid a 9 dollar fee.

When we reached the State Fair it was dusk already, the sun was settled on the horizon and right about to go down, I was fucking miserable, and although I was impressed that we were able to get into the State Fair for free, I did not want to be there. There was a convention center on the State Fair lot where all the presenters were, hawking their wares, giving free samples, and the first thing I did was ask if I could use a phone. The friend of Lisa's who was a presenter worked for a company showing off robust gaming PCs, so as I waited for him to go get his cell phone from his locker I sat down and tried to play Quake. I got killed a few times but my heart wasn't into it-- frankly, I couldn't care enough to try out this blistering new hardware and whichever Quake was brand new at the time, I was worried, shaking actually, as to Michelle getting home.

As I waited for the friend with the cell phone to arrive-- it was a company phone and free minutes, which is why it was preferable to just borrowing someone else's phone, and keep in mind this was 8 years ago before everyone had free anytime minutes-- the first friend who had promised Lisa he would drive to Michelle's work, some 30 minutes away at this point, said he was really sorry, but he wouldn't be able to make it to Michelle's place. Right now I can picture him apologizing profusely but I don't remember his excuse-- it didn't really matter. All I knew was today was turning into something awful.

I got the phone and dialed Michelle who was absolutely infuriated. I had missed this date I'd promised I'd be at, and she couldn't believe she'd been stood up. She said I'd embarrassed her, people were asking where I was, she was hissing at me in the phone. I don't know how I explained to her that she wouldn't be able to get inside the house, but apparently I did, and she said she didn't want to hear another word from me, she just wanted me to get my butt there right then. I told her that would be impossible, that I didn't exactly know where I was-- it was the State Fair, wherever that was. Phoenix, assumably. She hung up on me.

When I tell Michelle this story now, she says from her side of the phone, I seemed perfectly calm and jovial, that I was even laughing. That couldn't be further from the truth. I was absolutely wrought with guilt and in a rotten mood, my hands shaking and sweaty, my stomach flopping in my stomach. The laughter from me was nervous laughter, because as I tried to cover the mouth piece with my hand and move someplace where less people were standing, I got people shouting "Uh-oh! Someone's in the dog house!" None of them except Lisa knew exactly what had happened between Michelle and me, and nobody knew how urgent it was that Michelle couldn't get inside her house, so I wasn't upset at them razzing me and didn't want to hiss back "Shut the fuck up you assholes!" I just laughed nervously at them and tried to get some place quiet.

So here I was. Stranded at a State Fair. Lisa stopped playing Quake and wanted to know if I wanted to go do some rides and eat something. I was starved as I hadn't eaten since that morning, expecting to eat at around noonish with Lisa. It was dark out now, and I thought, if I'm going to be stuck in this situation, I've never been to any State Fair before, I've gotten in free, I might as well try to enjoy it.

Lisa, however, had just been dumped, which is why she thought kidnapping me and taking me to a State Fair-- despite my fucking protests when I found out what was happening, despite my girlfriend having to wait outside the house for an indeterminate amount of time when she got home-- would be a good time. Instead, however, she moped around. I wanted to check out the guy that would get in the shark tank. She said the line was too long. I suggested a roller coaster. She hated roller coasters. Weird Al wasn't playing yet, and the Monster Truck rally, which I didn't want to see anyway, was full, so I we stood outside as she stood up on a box looking over the fence, with the most horrifically loud noises ever blaring everywhere.

She'd asked me if I'd ever had funnel cake before, and I had not. We had presenter passes, and were able to get a meal for about 25 cents each. The funnel cake was fucking delicious. We went on a ferris wheel-- whoopty doo. We ate more funnel cake. The funnel cake was delicious. Lisa bought us a third round. This time it made me want to throw up. We went on the ferris wheel a second time. Then Lisa suggested we leave.

After all this, after being taken across town without my express permission, after the fucking hours of bouncing around suburbs of Phoenix to get everything needed for fake presenters passes, after two ferris wheel rides and way too much funnel cake, she was ready to leave. She wasn't ready to leave when I insisted we did, when I told her it was imperative that we go back or else a person that meant a lot to me-- meant the world to me, and I even knew it then-- no, she was ready when she wanted to go. And the only reason she did this in the first place was because she was sad that her boyfriend of three months broke up with her and thought taking a complicated and painful trip to the State Fair would cheer her up.

We got to my place and Michelle was sitting on the steps to her place, with the most horrific, pissed off face in the world, which, frankly, I expected, and was happy to hear that she was at least willing to listen to me when I got out of the car, which I was, frankly, not expecting. She said that she'd been waiting for 45 minutes and occupied herself with a book which she'd taken to read during break times, and the only reason she allowed me to explain myself was because if I was going to be so insensitive as to leave her waiting out there, I must at least have a reason.

Do you know what the strangest thing is? This is not the last story of Lisa being utterly and completely selfish and irresponsible and ruining a day, although this does take the cake in terms of being the worst of them. One would think that after a situation like this I would innocently and accidentally completely on purpose lose contact with her, only emailing a how ya doin' after months of no communication. You'd think that being taken out in the middle of another city leaving my girlfriend stranded would lead me to completely lose contact with that person. Somehow, there are people, and there are times, when you just allow yourself miserable fucking friendships for no reason whatsoever. And you just continue to let it happen over and over again.

I asked my wife this question and she said "You and I are just too forgiving," and this is probably true, as there are a number of stories where Michelle and I got taken advantage of by people who we would call friends for far longer than a person should put up with. But we're not alone; most people have stories about "friends" that they absolutely abhorred and kept around for no discernible reason whatsoever, who brought much more misery than good. What is it about people, about humanity, that allows this to be? Why is it that we sit and bitch and complain and allow ourselves to be furious over the assholes that we actively consider our enemies as much as these "friends" that we hate so much? What exactly is happening in our brains that allows this?
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with love from CRS @ 9:21 AM 

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