CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
Profile continued . . .

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SWITCH TO DIGITAL TV REVEALED AS CONSPIRACY TO KILL THOUSANDS OF ELDERLY

Friday, June 19, 2009

this entry brought to you by team sleep, "staring at the queen"


WASHINGTON-- Nearly four thousand Americans over the age of 65 have died since last Friday, as a direct result of television signals officially jumping from analog to digital. An anonymous Washington insider has tipped off the media that the switch was, in reality, a nation-wide conspiracy to kill as many of the nation's old people as possible.

"The government has been setting this up for at least three years," said the insider, a former FCC employee. "It's been obvious for a while now that Social Security has been going bankrupt. The government has been trying to repair it for years, and an easy shortcut was to simply kill off thousands of those who benefit from it."

"These people have been seeing Andy Rooney's wrinkled old Muppet-like face for decades now," says the insider, "but when suddenly they can gaze in terror at his leathery, corpse-like skin texture and caterpillar-like eyebrows in horrible, crystal-clear HD for the first time, for many of these people it was like turning on the television and looking Death in the eyes. Many elderly Americans just couldn't handle it."

Even those that didn't make the switch to an HD television or buy a digital converter box weren't spared and were, in fact, among the first to go. The anonymous tipster told reporters that as soon as their analog television lost its signal in the middle of the 700 Club or reruns of Murder She Wrote, customer service lines for the cable companies were chocked with phone calls.

When asked to confirm, Comcast spokesperson Lance Tidd replied that in fact they simply were not equipped to handle the onslaught of hysterical old people calling in last Friday. "Most of our callers would get stuck on hold from the abundance of traffic," said Tidd, "and the few that got through couldn't possibly understand our agents' repeated insistence that this was supposed to happen, that all they needed was a little box to fix the problem, and they'd be right back to watching World War II documentaries on the History Channel. But they kept yelling at us to quit speaking 'technical mumbo jumbo' and to just 'fix the goddamn picture box'. We've been informed that many, many people died from heart failure while screaming at our customer service agents and calling them racial slurs, and many more died cursing to themselves while on hold. Comcast Communications regrets our part in the deaths of untold elderly."

"This was all part of the government's plan," says the anonymous tipster. "They knew old people would attempt to 'fix' the problem by hitting their televisions repeatedly while calling it a 'useless Jap piece of shit', causing electrocutions, or even being crushed to death from shaking the television. It's saving the government millions in social security."

When asked about these allegations, President Obama stated "These statements that the American Government would purposefully set up an elaborate scheme to kill Americans for the sake of saving a few dollars is insanity. And besides, if it is true, it was all George Bush's doing. Blame that guy."
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with love from CRS @ 6:52 PM 

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