CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
Profile continued . . .

ARCHIVES!
OPRAH DISAPPOINTS OBSESSED FOLLOWERS BY INSISTING SHE HAS NO SINISTER PLANS

Saturday, June 06, 2009

this entry brought to you by tool, "jambi"


CHICAGO-- At approximately 9:00am yesterday, an estimated 3 million dedicated and fiercely loyal Oprah enthusiasts abandoned their families, lives, and belongings, to ascend to Harpo Productions, demanding their leader come out and instruct them to do her bidding.

"All hail the great Oprah!" came a chant from the crowd, as well as cries of "Lead us, oh Evil One."

The crowd of Oprah fanatics decimated the landscape in their wake, trampling hundreds of non-Oprah fans.

Says Christian Viens, a witness to the spontaneous gathering of millions of Oprah lunatics: "It was the most horrible thing I'd ever seen. Overweight, empowered housewives, as far as the eye could see-- and they wanted blood."

When asked exactly what it was they demanded, gathered reporters were told by Lorraine Bolte, one of the millions of frothing fans, "We demand nothing less than The Great Oprah, in all of her infinite wisdom and mercilessness, to demand her adoring and humble followers to perform, as one unstoppable mass, the most evil and perverse things her coal black heart desires. Personally, I'm hoping she orders us to kill all Italians, that their blood and corpses choke the streets. My husband is Italian, and he has it coming because last night I put on some sexy lingerie and he totally didn't even notice. But really, I'd be happy if Oprah demanded we kill just about anybody. All Hail Oprah!"

At 10:32 this morning, just over 24 hours after the throngs of crazed fans gathered outside her studio, a visibly distressed Oprah addressed the crowd. "I really, really don't know what to say," said Oprah to the fevered cheers of her millions of gathered followers. "I never meant for any of this to happen. I just wanted to make people's lives better. I swear to you, I'm not a bad person. I don't have any evil intentions in my heart at all, and I don't want anything from you but to live better lives. I had no idea that you people felt this way about me. I just-- please, go home. Go home to your families. Stop this madness." Oprah then, shaking, turned to go back inside the building, repeatedly saying "I just wanted to help people."

The 3 million followers, confused and disappointed, milled around for approximately one half hour, before spontaneously moving out and relocating at the office of Dr. Phil Magraw. Magraw was quick to demand to the crowd that he see the bloody hearts of all those who would oppose Dr. Phil, and especially that of Gayle King, the one person who has stood between him and being Oprah's best friend.
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with love from CRS @ 8:24 AM 

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