CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
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WORLD'S ZOOS FORCED TO CLOSE POLAR BEAR EXHIBITS AFTER YET ANOTHER FUCKING IDIOT SCALES FENCE TO CAGE

Sunday, April 26, 2009

this entry brought to you by rage against the machine, "sleep now in the fire"





LONDON-- Yet another fucking idiot scaled the fence to a Polar Bear cage, this time in London. Zoos of the world are now forced to close their respective Polar Bear exhibits after said idiot, one Malinda Forck of Reddon, England, got mauled to death.

"This is the eighth asshole to climb the fence to a Polar Bear exhibit in only the past six months," said London Zoo official Erik Shingler of the most recent Polar Bear-related death. "It's like a goddamn worldwide epidemic."

"No matter how high we make the fences," continued Shingler, "no matter how many signs we put on the fences saying 'Do Not Climb Fences' or 'Animals Are Not Safe To Interact With', or 'You Fucking Idiot, This is a Fucking Bear, It Will Kill You if It Gets A Chance', even if we have the fences electrified, these idiots keep climbing over and they keep getting mauled to death."

Clayton Maliszewski, Director of the International Zoo Association which is an organization with members representing over 388 zoos across the world, has decided to close down the Polar Bear exhibits in every zoo in its group in reaction to these constant deaths.

"We regret this decision," said Maliszewski in a press conference today, "but it's become a neccessity. Ordinarily these stories are good for a laugh on 'weird news' websites, but this phenomenon has crossed the line from novel amusement at the gene pool losing one more retard to something genuinely concerning. The zoos of the world keep getting sued by the idiot families of these fucking lunatics, and if we continue leaving the Polar Bear exhibits open and more of them just keep climbing over to their doom, it's going to get to the point where we'll have to raise tickets to prices so high people who aren't insane and don't plan on jumping in cages with wild animals and just want to bring the kids won't want to come."

"Besides, nearly every polar bear in every zoo internationally has eaten at least one of these dumbasses, and once they've tasted blood, they go fucking crazy, making our jobs that much more difficult," said Maliszewski

The IZA stated that all polar bear exhibits will be closed immediately, and the polar bears will have been moved to the North Pole by the end of 2009, where, thanks to life-long domestication, they will die within weeks.

"Global warming is going to kill all the polar bears," stated Maliszewski, "so it made our job of keeping them safe and ensuring their continual breeding in our artificial habitats absolutely essential. Now, thanks to these mouth-breathing fuckwits who absolutely can't continue their shitty lives without hugging one and inadvertently getting eaten, we have no fucking polar bears. Happy now, assholes?"

Panda bears are kept in far fewer zoos and are a more rare treat for zoo-goers and, therefore, there are far fewer people jumping at them to their painful deaths, meaning they will be seen in zoos for many more years to come. That is unless of course they continue to refuse to breed, in which case they, too, will die out soon. But that's totally nobody's fault but their own.
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 *the picture above is a real picture, but for your peace of mind, she is, in reality, still alive today. also, the name i picked isn't her real name. i'm not THAT big of an asshole.

with love from CRS @ 2:55 PM 

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