CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
Profile continued . . .

NO MATTER WHAT EMAIL ADDRESS SATAN TRIES, IT'S ALREADY BEEN TAKEN

Friday, April 17, 2009

this entry brought to you by tori amos, "cruel"

An archive photo of Satan. Merely glancing at this picture means automatic forfeiture of your soul to the Dark One. You have been warned.

HELL-- A frustrated Lord of All Damned has told reporters in a conference call today that he's given up on trying to switch to email, despite repeated requests from clients and staff to do so.

"Listen, this might sound strange, but I hadn't really found a need for email thus far," said the Prince of Lies. "I've gotten along fine for the past few millennia using my pager, my fax machine, or the trusty carrier bat system, so I didn't really see any need for getting into this email stuff, I didn't care how many people kept bugging me about it."

It was his personal assistant that finally got him to try the switch, The Eternal Cursed One says. "Terry has been telling me for like a decade about how much easier it would be to send me P&L statements if I simply used email, and seeing as how the last one took three years to be faxed to me I finally decided to take the plunge."

A hitch in the plans of Lucifer, The Great Eater of Souls, came however, when he couldn't find an email address that hadn't already been used.

"I tried Satan@Gmail and Yahoo and MSN and Hotmail, I tried Lucifer@, I tried Beezlebub@, I tried LordofLies, I tried TheDarkOne, I tried Abaddon Underscore The Underscore Horrible, I tried IWillKillGod, I tried registering my own domain so I could be Lucifer@Lucifer.com, nothing fucking worked! It kept suggesting I use, like FatheroftheDamned74, but why in the hell would I do that? I am the Ruler of the Seven Circles, why would I settle for a lesser Fallen Angel?"

The Black Tongued Thief then promised that he has "an entire circle of hell-- the one with the Pedophile Lawyers" working on identifying exactly who these impostors on the Internet were, and promised that once their horrible task of collecting names has been accomplished, punishment would be swift.

"I don't want to go into details," he said, "because that would ruin the surprise, but trust me, anyone with an email address that has prevented me from having my own will pay dearly. Construction of the pit of human assholes has already begun-- ah, I've already said too much."

Satan then ended the conference call the same way all of his conference calls are ended, with a three hour diatribe on how the forces of good were useless against the powers of temptation, vanity, and selfishness.

When asked for his response to Satan's announcement, Jesus replied that he has a similar problem with people using his name as email addresses, "except they always end up being some Mexican guy."
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with love from CRS @ 6:50 AM 

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