CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
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ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER REMEMBERS BEING THE FIRST PREGNANT MAN

Friday, January 09, 2009

this entry brought to you by "weird" al yankovic, "white and nerdy"



Me and my beautiful daughter, Junior. I can't remember the pain of child birth, but I am sure I was in such peak physical form I barely noticed.


There has been a lot of talk lately about this "Pregnant Man", a woman who was born a woman, then one of those sex changes, but kept her birthing organs so she could one day have a baby. But all of this shenanigans and hooplah is unnecessary. For some reason I could not recall it for the longest time, but it just occurred to me, the world already had a pregnant man. The Governator.

It has been a while since it happened and I've gotten older, so my memory is a little, as my mother back in Austria would say, hazy. Some parts a more clear than other parts, but I was definitely the first pregnant man. I'm sure this literal girly-man is a very good father or what have you, but I'm quite positive not only was I the first mother-father, but I bet you I could still take him/her, even in my old age.

This was back in 1994, when I was a gynecological scientist. I don't remember having gone to school for it, but I must have, because they wouldn't just let some body builder from Austria be a biologist! That make me laugh. Me and the other doctor, Danny DeVito, who is also my beloved twin brother, were searching for a volunteer to try our new "super-fertility" pill, which we called "Expectane"-- I was never sure if we were trying to make a joke mit that or not-- that had the added benefit of lowering the chances of a miscarriage. It was a little miracle pill! Even more astonishing than an Austrian being made the Governator of California, if you can believe it!

Basically, we attempted to have human experiments, but our funding was cut, and, in a contrived real-life plot point, I made the decision to try the pill myself to see if it would work. We only wanted to keep it going for three months, but at that point I had fallen so much in love mit the idea of me, this superior specimen of a man, being able to endure the pain and stamina any woman can do, would make me more than just Mr. Universe. It would make me Mr. Eternity. So I kept the pregnancy, and many hilarious hijinks ensued that I am certain people would have enjoyed seeing had this all been documented somehow on film. You would have loved it. I even dressed up like a woman at one point. Can you imagine me, a perfect creation of sheer manliness, in a dress? It make me laugh.

Thinking back on it, I'm not sure what I did with the baby exactly, and why Maria didn't just volunteer to carry the baby instead of me having to do it myself, but I know that everything ended up solving itself perfectly in the end, loose ends and all. My brother Danny DeVito even got back together mit his ex wife, who was giving birth right around the same time I was giving birth. It is hilariously convoluted, but true.

This was all, of course, about a decade after my murderous rampage through Los Angeles, when I unsuccessfully attempted to assassinate my good friend Linda Hamilton.
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with love from CRS @ 5:38 AM 

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