CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
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Ivan and Danny, the Ex-Best-Friends in High School

Sunday, December 07, 2008

this entry brought to you by portishead, "undenied"


When I was a sophomore in high school I knew these two guys who were both into Death Metal, Ivan and Danny. They were both very clearly two peas in a pod, and very clearly ought to be best friends. It turned out that they used to be best friends about six months prior but something happened and now they hated one another. Whenever I asked Danny what happened he would kind of hem and hah and give me general answers, they had a fight, they're not friends anymore, that's it.

Eventually Ivan-- who, by the way, I should note, I did not like, and we only tolerated on a it's easier-to-get-along-than-be-assholes-to-one-another way. I would describe our relationship as hesitantly cordial. But anyway, eventually I got him to tell me what happened. Ivan explained that on his birthday when he had like four or five guy friends over, he'd gotten his hands on a porno for them to all watch. They all watched it, it was hilarious, and that was that. "Well, later, after we'd all gone to sleep," he said, "I kinda heard this thumping noise, and I was like, what the hell is that? And it was Danny! And he was jacking off! I kicked him the fuck out of my house. I told him to get the fuck out right then." And he laughed and gave me this look as if I should have my jaw dropped and say "How dare he! What other course of action did you have but to kick that faggot out of your house?"

I stared at him, not quite sure what the point of the story was. "Was he like, jacking off on you or something?" I asked.

He screwed up his face. "Ew, no! He was just jacking off." And then he giggled. "He was like, over in the corner jacking off." Which is to say that it was more hilarious that he was trying to hide what he was doing, what a jerk.

"...But you guys were watching a porno earlier," I said. "What the hell else did you expect him to do?"

He frowned and shook his head. "We didn't watch the porno to jack off to! We watched it because it's funny! Have you ever seen one? They're hilarious!"

"...But it's got hot women in it, right?"

"...Well, yeah.." he said.

"...And they're having sex, right?"

"...Well, yeah, but--"

"I don't understand why you would get mad at him for jacking off. What the hell else did you expect him to do?"

"Not jack off in my house, that's what! I didn't put the video in for everybody to jack off to! That's fucking gay!"

"Then why the hell did you play the porno in the first place if you didn't want anyone to jack off? If you wanted something to laugh at, why didn't you just put in an actual comedy movie instead of one with hot chicks fucking?"

I asked him if he ever watched porn by himself and masturbated to it. "Of course I have!" he said. "Just never in front of any other guys!" Which is fine, I didn't expect him to masturbate in front of other dudes, but I saw a definite difference between what Danny did and actually actively masturbating in front of everyone.

Ivan seemed to be getting frustrated with this conversation and my inability to see where he was coming from. And from my end, he was right-- I didn't have any idea where he was coming from. I feel like if you put in a porno and one guy just whips it out right there and starts jacking off, then yeah, that's awkward. But if everyone's asleep and one guy whips it out, you roll over and ignore it, and the next day pretend like you never heard it. Or maybe you give the guy a hard time about it, but to pretend to be completely offended by it and kick the guy out in the middle of the night and proceed to stop being friends with him was silly.

I've never understood ironic porn watching. Any time you ask anybody why they would do that, they say "Because some pornos are just funny!" Look, watching awful horror movies ironically is one thing, and I can see how you could watch a horror movie with a bunch of friends specifically to laugh at it, even though it was not made to be laughed at. On the other hand, when you watch an awful horror movie by yourself you just get bored; it does not directly lead to you playing with yourself. On the other hand, pornography does.

For that matter, I've never understood watching porno with other guys period. If you all plan on whipping your dicks out and masturbating together, then fine. But if you aren't planning that kind of party, then what the hell is the point?
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with love from CRS @ 10:18 AM 

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