Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
Profile continued . . .


Saturday, June 07, 2008

this entry brought to you by desert sessions, "covered in punk's blood"

See, I think they advertise exfoliating soap the wrong way. They call it "gentle exfoliating" and it's usually written in a soft, gentle font with nice pastelle colors on the box. Any kind of commercial is always of a beautiful model, hair flowing, her eyes closed, gently lathering up her face. A soft, soothing voice tells you that it gently exfoliates, opens up your pores, and makes you softer, gentler, and more beautiful.

While this is all well and good, it only works on half the population. There are dudes out there who would love to have soft skin and open pores, but they don't necessarily know that they do, because you're busy making them feel like wussies. Besides, have you ever used exfoliating soap? It's actually not soft at all-- it's got grit in it. Compared to pretty much every kind of thing you would put on your skin, it is actively unpleasant. They really should play that angle up, to get the attention of the male population.

Imagine this commercial. The screen's black. Lighting flashes, and we see a buff, tan, naked man, standing on the desert floor, the ground cracked and droughted, his various body parts obscured. The camera zooms in. He turns around, his face haggard, he needs a shave, and there's a prominent facial scar, yet his body is perfectly sculpted. He is also clearly dirty.

Rain explodes across the sky, pelting his body, and suddenly the man is holding a bar of exfoliating soap in his hands, as if given to him by the gods. The rain glistens on his body, and he looks at the bar of soap, bewildered. He scrubs it across his skin, and winces-- we get an up close, cut-away shot of the bar, the little flecks of grit magnified so much they look like rocks scraping off a layer of skin-- he looks at the bar again, not believing how rough it is. He takes another scrub with it across his skin, this time determined. He scrubs again-- it hurts, but he can withstand it! He scrubs, comes to a full lather. He lets out a manly roar!

A deep, manly voice-over comes on. "Most bar soaps just leave a wimpy layer of suds on you. This exfoliating bar has got grit. It'll rip your skin up like you were made of paper. Think you can handle it?"

The suds rinse off the man's body as the rain pours down, he's gritting his teeth. The background goes black, and when it fades back in, we see that he's been in the shower the whole time. He steps out. His girlfriend approaches him. "Are you okay?" she asks. "It sounds like you were overcoming something serious in there," she says.

The man turns to her, his body shiny, silky, smooth. "That's because I was," he replies. Then he looks at the camera, smiles a cocky, manly grin. "But I can handle it. I'm a real man."

The voice over comes back. "Dove's new exfoliating body soap. It's got grit. Like a real man's soap should."

Yeah. Go ahead and just sit there, let all that soak in. I know it's a lot to take in at once. Don't worry about leaving comments about how you want to run out and buy a bar of exfoliating soap right now, or, if you're a girl, how you want to buy a bar for your boyfriend. I know it already. And you're welcome.

with love from CRS @ 9:27 AM 


ahaha, that's amazing. i love it!

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