CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
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Your Gay Friend Has an Annoying Habit

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

this entry brought to you by yoav, "adore, adore"


I've said before that I don't have a problem with gay people. That isn't actually true. I have a problem with gay people. One. Gay friends of yours like to think that ever since they came out of the closet, they instantly became experts on everything homosexual, and they must therefore lord it over you like you're a student of their's-- and you're also kind of a stupid student that they have to take pity on and have taken under their wing, to boot. This is true of gay guys and of lesbians.

You and your gay friend will be at a cash register getting rung up, and as you walk away he'll turn to you and say to you, "That cashier was gay."

"What do you mean, he's gay?" you'll ask. "Did he have a shirt that said 'I Give Free Blowjobs?'"

"I just know these things."

"So he had a nice haircut. So he plucks his eyebrows. Not every straight guy is an unkempt slob."

"He gave me a look, a look that you wouldn't notice because you're not gay."

"Maybe he likes your shoes! A guy's allowed to like another man's shoes without wanting to suck his dick!"

Your gay friend will sigh as if he's embarrassed as to how naive you are.

This is exactly as annoying as that stupid straight friend you have who swears every single girl he encounters has a thing for him.

"Did you see that, dude? That chick totally had a thing for me."

"She's a stripper, and she was giving you a lap dance!"

"Dude, she gave me a look. You didn't see it, but she gave me a look. I just know these things."

What's especially annoying about this is that gay people act like homosexuals are a different species, and they've spent their lives studying them in the wild. The bizarre, arcane mating rituals of the elusive gay is so unbelievably complex and subtle, there's no way you would know it if you saw it, since you didn't spend seven years in the wild gay jungle watching them through binoculars.

Dude. Gay men are still men. Gay women are still women. I can't tell you how many times a gay guy has just come up to me like I was just some drunk chick at a bar, and said "You're cute." Well actually I'm lying, it's happened three times. But the point is-- and I'm not implying at this is exactly the tactic used by all gay men, just like I know guys who don't use these tactics on women-- it is as subtle and refined a strategy as the kind used by morons who hit on chicks at bars. The difference between a gay man hitting on another gay man and a straight man hitting on a chick is the chick normally has the brains to say "Ugh, are you fucking kidding me? Get lost." The reason is because women are tactful and like indirect approaches. Men, however, are morons, and gay ones are no different. "You think I'm cute? Well you're cute! Let's make out!"
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with love from CRS @ 9:17 AM 

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