CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States
There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
Profile continued . . .
Myspace Emails I'd Like to Write
this entry brought to you by modest mouse, "spitting venom"
Sometimes you think about looking up people from high school who weren't neccesarily friends of yours but you knew who they were, just to see what a fuck up they turned out to be. You want to write them and ask them specific questions, but it's like calling Grandma and asking for 150 bucks. You really don't care to exchange pleasantries and pretend to care at all about her life, you just want to call her up and say "Hi Grandma, it's me-- I'll be over in 20 minutes, I need 150 bucks, bye." Or maybe you're not a total dick and you do actually care about how her life is, but you're aware the instant you inquire anything you'll completely regret having done so and want to cut short to the real reason why you called. This same phenomenon happens to people you knew from high school. You want to just cut to the chase and ask the one question that's been in the back of your head since high school, but in order to do that, you'll need to pretend to "connect", and have an exchange of back-and-forth pleasantries before getting to the meat of what you really want to know. In some cases the subject is especially sticky, so you basically have to strike up a genuine-- well, genuinely faked-- friendship to get to this point. And really, all that effort isn't worth it. Wouldn't it be nice if you could just write them up, ask what you want to ask, get a direct and honest answer, and never be bothered with them ever again? Here are some Myspace emails I'd like to write to people I knew in high school.
To: Manny
Subject: High school
Are you gay? I always thought you were gay. Please confirm or deny this.
To: Lindsay
Subject: High School
Did you ever develop a sense of self respect? If you have no idea what I'm talking about, please disregard this email, because I already have my answer.
To: Laura
Subject: High School
Are you still a bitch? I can't imagine a human being progressing in life being as huge of a bitch as you were in high school, because grown adult human beings outside of school would have no reason to put up with your bullshit. Then again, I've been wrong before.
To: Michael
Subject: High School
How many times have you been in jail since high school? Would you say that half of those incarcerations were because of drug charges, or over half? Are you high right this moment? Can you even make out the squiggles on your computer monitor as being actual words?
To: Claudia
Subject: High School
I always had the feeling that you had a crush on me, but were too popular to admit that you secretly liked somebody below you in the high school class system. Please confirm or deny this. I did not have a crush on you, but would have happily made out with you if it meant no consequences. Just so you know.
To: Ricky
Subject: High School
What perfect combination of prescription drugs keeps you alive from all the various STDs you most definitely have received since high school? Would you describe yourself as more monster than man?
To: Misty
Subject: High School
You were topless in front of me for such a long period of time on one occasion that I emprinted your boobs to my memory. Nevertheless, a photograph or video of your boobs would do well for my memory so that I never forget, something which will inevitably happen due to age, so please send either or both of those files as soon as you can. Also, the story about your toplessness has fueled many sexual fantasies with my wife and I; if you could describe your most arousing sexual encounter since high school for our further fantasies, that would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
To: Randy
Subject: High School
I used to say that if I ever had a gun and only one bullet, I would shoot you. I never wanted to kill you or anything, I'd shoot you in such a way that you would definitely survive. In fact, I might even have driven you to the hospital if it meant that nobody would arrest me for my deed. My question is, have you been shot at all since high school? And if you haven't been shot yet, are you currently in a position where you are more likely to be shot than, say, the average person, so that it's possible that in the future you'll be shot? It would give me great pleasure if I knew. Thank you. Also, would you describe yourself as more monster than man?
To: Leslie
Subject: High School
The last time I saw you you were at the cusp of either growing up to be a born again, Republican stay-at-home mom with a moderately large clan of children, or a total whore. The pictures I see of you on your Myspace confirm that you took the latter route, as you are depicted kissing women while wearing nothing but a g-string, and elsewhere, as a "naughty nurse" and also "naughty angel" while on a stripper pole. You currently live in Las Vegas and are married to a gigantic Italian man named Lou who is approximately 10-15 years older than you, wears a huge gold chain, and the two of you live in a gigantic house. My question is, are you aware that you're a trophy wife, or are you in denial? If the former, how long are you planning on waiting before your eventual divorce with half of his worth and/or alimony for the rest of your natural life? If the latter, are you in denial because it's the only way to keep out of your mind your fear of getting whacked the moment Lou tires of you?
-----
*sadly, only one of these emails has been even slightly embellished. the others are pretty dead on exactly what i would ask the above people, and even the embellished one is only a tiny bit different than reality.
with love from CRS @ 7:50 AM
3 Comments:
It not so.
You are not right. I am assured. I can defend the position. Write to me in PM, we will talk.
I like how the above two comments were written by what appears to either be a six year old or somebody with limited English skills. I also like how they suggest you PM them in order to "talk" when they've posted anonymously. I think, that right there, makes me laugh the most.
