CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
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Halloween Costume Ideas for Next Year

Friday, November 02, 2007

this entry brought to you by modest mouse, "florida"


I didn't dress up for Halloween this year, and I actually haven't for the past several-- a fact that saddens me. Next year, I want it to be different. I want to dress up, and I want to go out to some party or something. I'm starting to make a list of things to choose from now. Here's what I've got so far:

* Hobo That's Been Lit On Fire I like this one because it's a classic, but with a contemporary twist. Because people light hobos on fire. It's a true fact. Alternately, if I can't come up with a "burnt hobo" look convincingly, I can be a Hobo That Has Been Stabbed by a Sociopathic Yuppie.

*Excessively Caffeinated NPR Host First I buy the cheapest two piece suit I can find, then I find a pair of open toed sandals. Then I grow out a beard and a pony tail. Then I fake an overly sincere and excessively friendly tone of voice and constantly enthuse about indie hip-hop and make indirect, veiled jokes about Republicans; if caught doing so, laugh that it's all in good fun. Do all of this while chugging organic coffee.

*A Panti-less Britney Spears This is a simple, low-cost costume. All I have to do is dress myself like white trash that doesn't know any better nor care, and then let my shaved vagina hang out. If possible, I'll leave all vehicles in such a way that it is impossible for others not to stare at it. The key to this costume is to make sure that everyone sees it so many times that they cease thinking it's funny, and become angry.

*Creepy Married Guy Another simple, low-cost costume. All I have to do is keep my wedding ring on, dress up in a chest-revealing button down shirt, then flirt shamelessly with women. If asked "Uh, aren't you married?" respond with, "Aren't you married?" Then chuckle in a creepy, lascivious way.

*Attention Starved Local Celebrity Dress extravagantly, and demand that all attention in the room be paid to me at all times. When asked what it is I do, respond with something only mildly interesting, such as being the guy on the news who was the first to find that dead body. When people don't recognize my achievements, act as if it somehow shows something lacking in their character.

*A Deadly Storm This costume works best if I have a friend dressed as The Impoverished, and I continually destroy that person. Alternately, I could go as An Out-of-Control Deadly Fire.

*Pathetic Home Schooled Kid Now Grown Up Dress as a socially awkward man-child who has no idea how to dress himself. During any conversation, be utterly ignorant about absolutely everything, and be confused easily. Have mildly racist world outlook, and act indignant at any mention of global warming, the age of the planet, dinosaurs, any kind of seperation of church and state, gun control, or Halloween; offer to pray for the souls of anyone who mentions that they're having a good time during this particular Halloween celebration.

*M'Clesias, Destroyer of Planets, except currently on vacation Paint skin green, wear goggles made to look like horrific alien eyes; have long, horrible fingernails, and flesh-rendering sharp teeth. Wear a loud Hawaaiin shirt, cargo shorts, and flip-flops, and constantly hold a can of Michelob. When asked what I'm supposed to be, explain in a horrible voice that I'm M'Clesias, Destroyer of Planets, but really, I'm on vacation, and I just wanna let loose and have a good time for right now. I only get two weeks of vacation from Planet Destroying all year, and I'm not going to blow it talking about work. I'll declare that I'm ready to PARRRRTAY, and then laugh in a horrific, skin-crawling laugh.
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with love from CRS @ 10:13 AM 

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