CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
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Saturday, September 08, 2007

this entry brought to you by muse, "super massive black hole"


We were in the process of moving, but now it was night time and I was done working for the day. Michelle was at work for an evening shift, and here I was in the house with a TV but no cable hooked up or even with any sort of flat surface to put it on, so it was sitting on the floor. I had unpacked my PS2 already and boxes of DVDs, so I started going through them, trying to find something to watch by myself in this mostly empty apartment without even a couch to sit on yet. I found Requiem For a Dream, a movie I'd bought but we hadn't gotten around to watching yet.

When I was at Target about to buy the DVD months prior, I realized that what I was about to buy was the rated version from movie theaters, but I knew that there was an unrated Director's Cut of the movie, so I put it back on the shelf and waited to buy it off of Amazon. I figured, if I was going to watch this movie by Darren Arronofsky, who directed Pi, a movie I absolutely loved, I wanted to watch the movie the way it was meant to be seen by the director.

So I pulled the movie out of the box and it said "THIS DVD IS UNRATED BUT CONTAINS VERY EXPLICIT SEXUAL MATERIAL." I knew Jennifer Connelly played the lead female, so I decided that this aforementioned "Very Explicit Sexual Material" would probably feature her. I should probably say right now that I wasn't a huge Connelly fan before this movie, and even after it I still wouldn't put her on my personal Top Hotties list, but now I will definitely say that anyone that does put her on their list is definitely onto something, because she's plenty fucking hot.

So here I am, alone in the house with a DVD with a "Very Explicit Sexual Material" warning, and an assumption that I was going to see a very, very pretty actress naked. I don't think I have to explain where my mindset eventually went.

Now here's the problem. I didn't neccesarily want to watch the movie right then. I was in the mood for "Very Explicit Sexual Material", but I'd heard the movie was fantastic and wanted to watch it as a whole with my wife. I decided that most movies that have love scenes usually have them in the first act of the film. Usually how it works is that the lead male and the lead female meet in the first 15 minutes and make love, and it's usually just after the consumation of the relationship when the shit hits the fan. The PS2 only fast forwards at a 4x rate, so I thought that fast forwarding through the first 15 minutes or so wouldn't be that big of a deal, even if just at 4x rate, which isn't very fast. Most real DVD players fast forward at up to 32x speed.

I don't know if you've ever seen Requiem For a Dream, but I had heard that it's one of the most gut-wrenchingly depressing movies you could ever watch; after having eventually seen the entire movie at regular speed, I can indeed attest to that. However, the movie is also about being on drugs and uses many exaggerated camera movements to portray the intensity and off-the-cuff nature of being high. At 4x speed, though, it moves just fast enough that you can't tell what the plot is, but slow enough that you can still get a good feel for the cinematography. In other words, Requiem For a Dream with its agitated camera work (and hallucinatory scene where a refridgerator stalks a woman), at 4x speed, seems like a hilarious comedy. I had absolutely no idea how this movie would end up being depressing at all.

Here's the next problem. Despite seeing Jennifer Connelly pantie-less a few times and switching to regular speed hoping the "Very Explicit Sexual Material" action was about to start, there is no juicy love scene in the first third of the movie. Or even the second third. And fast-forwarding with a PS2 means you have to hold down the button on the controller, because when you let go it plays at normal speed. After about 30 minutes of holding down a button, limp penis in hand, waiting for Jenniffer Connelly to finally remove her top or something, I started to feel really pathetic and decided I could better spend my time either actually watching a movie or actually watching a porno; basically, I would be better off doing absolutely anything else. This felt like watching scrambled porn when you're 12, hoping for the few seconds it would unscramble itself. Actually, for the record, our pay-per-view movies when I was a kid would completely unscramble and stay that way until you turned away if you had the patience, so that actually had more pay off than what I was currently doing. Man, this made me feel like a sad sack, and kind of a bad person over all.

A few months later, Michelle and I eventually sat down and watched the movie. And let me tell you, it is mind-obliteratingly depressing, which is completely counter to the hilarious camera movement. That was the first thing I noticed when I compared the actual viewing experience with my waiting-to-masturbate-fast-forward experience.

Then there's the actual "Very Explicit Sexual Material" part. I'm not giving anything away when I say the following: the scene in question isn't until the very end, and it involves a double ended dildo in two butts, one of which definitely belongs to Jennifer Connelly's character. And I'm not a fan of butt-sex, let alone double-ended dildo butt sex. So if I had gotten to that scene on my previous, entirely fast-forwarded viewing, I would have actually been so pissed off at having wasted that much time on a sex act I don't even like get off on, I probably would've started swearing and gone to bed.

But there's more. The double-ended dildo butt sex scene is actually, in context, at this humilating party where Connelly's character is selling her body for drugs. Connelly's character and another girl are up on stage, writhing butt to butt on one another, as leering rich men hoot and holler and throw dollar bills at them, screaming degrading insults. Which I am very much also not into.

But there's more! The double-ended dildo butt sex scene is actually part of a series of quick cuts. We see Jennifer Connelly rubbing her butt against another girl, writhing in discomfort, as men jeer and throw money. Then we cut to Jared Leto getting his arm amputated. Then we cut to Marlon Wayans dry heaving into a big pot of soup. Then we cut to Ellen Burnstyn getting electro-shock therapy. Cut back to butt sex. Jeering men. Arm amputated. Dry heaving. Electrocution. Pained writhing. Bone cutting. Vomitting. Electricity. Etc.

What I'm saying is, not only would I have had to fast forward for an extremely long period of time to get to the "Very Explicity Sexual Material", it also would have been absolutely the least masturbatory material in the entire world. Ordinarily when a movie you're buying is an unrated DVD for sex you know you're going to see a whole lot of boobies and probably a super-hot sex scene. With Requiem For a Dream, even if you were to skip directly to the "Very Explicit Sexual Material", it would still be the least erotic masturbatory material you could possibly encounter, even if you enjoyed double-edged dildo butt sex where women degrade themselves around jackal-like men. Maybe you're into that. You're probably also not into amputated arms, vomiting men, and electrocuted old ladies all at the exact same time. Even if you're into just one of those things, all of them put together can't possibly be something anybody could get off on.

So, as a warning: If you're looking to masturbate to something in your DVD collection, I would sooner recommend playing with yourself to the scene in Bambi where Bambi's mother gets shot than the "Very Explicit Sexual Material" in Requiem For a Dream.
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with love from CRS @ 9:23 AM 

1 Comments:

Ha! "The Girl" LOVES that scene! She masturbates just fine to it. Jennifer Connely with a double ender in her ass is just plain hot and I'm not really into anal sex. The movie is truly brilliant though. But yeah not my first choice of toss off material.

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