CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States
There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
Profile continued . . .
Maybe not everyone deserves to live... Even though I feel terrible for feeling that way...
this entry brought to you by modest mouse, "parting of the censory"
this was a letter that i wrote to a friend, and i thought it was worth sharing.
I'm an extremely liberal guy, so sometimes I think things and then I feel extremely bad for having thought them. I have this thing, this liberal guilt thing, I guess.
Have you ever thought to yourself, I honestly and truly wish somebody would kill this person? I mean, really, he doesn't contribute anything to society. He is just a parasite, and he's going to end up dead sooner or later, so could somebody just please kill him before he does permanent harm to anyone or anything?
But then I feel bad. That liberal guilt. How could I say that about somebody? Everybody has the right to live. We can't just go around killing people because they might-- check that, will inevitably do something wrong later on down the line. That kind of reasoning would make me just as crazy as they are. And yet, I want this person stopped. I don't just want him gone and out of my hair, because he'll just be somebody else's problem. I want him gone, so that society doesn't have to deal with him. There's no habilitation. There's nothing that's going to turn this guy into anything remotely productive, short of some Clockwork Orange-like brainwashing/torture, so just get rid of him. And yet I can't.
I dreamt he'd been raped and killed a few nights ago. And in my dream I remember thinking "Raped and killed? Wow, harsh. Still, he had it coming." In my dream I sat there and thought that I ought to feel bad, if not for the death part, then for the rape part, and yet I could not. I was instead relieved.
He's this complete waste of sperm and eggs that works at Fry's with me. I met this guy my second week working there, and basically the first thing out of his mouth is that his family is "one of the richest, most powerful families in Arizona", and that cops can't ever arrest him because all the judges are friends with his family, and one of the managers was trying to get him fired and he was saying that he wished the manager good luck because there was no way he could get fired because his family was so well connected.
And I thought, Oh Jesus, you're one of those people. And I said "Okay, well, I'm going to put my headphones on, there's this CD I've been really looking forward to listening to, so bye."
He's this ridiculously bad person. Drug dealer. A compulsive liar, and always in the way that makes him look good, except they are always these things that you can't imagine why he would possibly brag about, even if they were real. He's been drinking since he was four. He likes wrecking cars, and does it for fun. He'll go and borrow his parents' car and wreck it, and they just buy another one. He gets in fights, apparently, with random people for fun. Can beat anyone. Was in this really ghetto school, and he once stabbed a guy in the hand, but the principal and the cops couldn't do shit about it because of his connections. The other day he chuckled that he "almost got shot" the night before, and then added that this was "so much fun". Yadda yadda yadda. And worse, this kid claims he's smart. They took his IQ test, and in his words, this one part of the test, fuckin', like, nobody had ever gotten right before, and he did it in, like, a fuckin' minute. And they gave him his test to see if he could get his GED (he didn't graduate high school) and like, he fuckin' scored so high they didn't believe him and he's got to take it again, and hopefully next time he won't score so high.
Oh, and did I mention he sells drugs?
He'd hurt his back a few weeks ago and was put on a different schedule for light duty, which put him out of our hair. And when he came back the first thing he says to us, while walking up to us and texting someone was "Fuckin', I'm probably gonna make like 12,000 bucks on this deal." I wanted to hit him in the face. Not because I'm jealous of his 12,000 bucks or even that I believe that he's going to make 12,000 bucks (oh, and by the way, he "almost never" leaves the house without wearing "at least 500 dollars worth of clothes", and it's like, dude, if you spent 500 dollars to look like that, you got fucking ripped off), but because what part of the look on my face makes you think I could give a shit about anything you have to say?
Did I also mention that he starts every single sentence with "Fuckin'", even when it doesn't make any sense? Like, not as a noun, a verb, or an adjective, just this sound he makes to fill in gaps of his slurred, barely comprehensible speech, "Fuckin... I was just fuckin' talkin' to this chick and she's like, a stripper, and I'm fuckin' probably gonna move in with her and we're gonna start datin' and shit." It's as if he's not human, it's as if he's some form of autonomous android that was created before they managed to work the kinks and bugs out, and somebody threw him out so nobody in charge of the project would learn they wasted all that money on something so horribly nonfunctional, and started over completely fresh.
I find myself asking on a disturbingly regular basis, why don't you die? Why hasn't anything killed you yet? If you were an animal, natural selection would've killed you by now. He's one of these guys where if we were walking down the road-- and we do, he thinks I'm his friend, and he sometimes follows me home, so instead of going home, because I don't want him to know where I live, I start walking an extremely long route around, hoping he gets disinterested and he inevitably does-- if we were walking down the road and somebody popped out from behind a bush and gunned him down... See, I'm a good person I think, so I would try the most absolute rudimentary ways of trying to save his life. You know. I'd press down on the wounds to stop the bleeding. And uhm. Maybe something else. I'd think seriously about giving him mouth-to-mouth, but probably wouldn't. But if he died anyway, I wouldn't even give it a second thought. I did my part. I can live my life with no guilty conscience. Because fuck that guy. I want him to die. And I partially feel bad about that, because what kind of person does that make me? But mostly I just feel that if he doesn't die right now he's just taking up valuable resources that could otherwise be put to better use. All the gas he uses up whenever he drives around-- actually, he doesn't own a vehicle, so however much gas people waste driving him around, that could better go to other people. All the oxygen he breathes, there are people who could better use the oxygen. Does this make me a bad person for feeling this way? Maybe everyone doesn't deserve to live.
It's interesting, I was just thinking... I've always said the thing about religion is that while I detest it, I understand why some people need it in their lives. Some people need that conformity, the comfort of routine and strictness, to get through their miserable lives. And I just found myself pondering if he would be any better off if he found Christ. I wonder if he were to find Christ, if he would actually settle down and turn into a-- well, I can't say productive human being, but at least a person who was no longer a danger to other human beings. But there is also the possibility that he would grossly misunderstand the teachings of Christ and do something dangerous and idiotic in his name. In which case, I go back to my original point-- hopefully he'll do something so idiotic and self-destructive he'll eliminate himself from the gene pool, without harming anyone in the process.
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a few days ago, last year funnily enough, this entry is not actually written about the person written about above, but i was actually thinking about linking to it somewhere in today's entry because it talks about the phenomenon of someone not understanding when someone doesn't recognize when other people don't care about anything they're saying or have to say.
the day after, last year my daughter has a really good shot at being president. it's not like she could end up being the worst one.
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with love from CRS @ 10:01 AM
1 Comments:
When people like this idiot have kids, I kind of want their children to die instead of them. Not only will they suffer intolerably (like we have to when dealing with them), but it's just one less person like them on this Earth. I know that's probably the worst thing anyone can say, and I do feel bad for saying it, but that's how crazy people like that make me. --NADJ
